What once was, and what will never be...

Christmas was wonderful. A little overwhelming for Dylan, but he had a good time. He got such wonderful gifts, he is a very lucky boy! It was not as hard as I feared being the first Christmas without my mom. Christmas Eve was harder, but I had a good talk with my Aunt, and while we both cried, she told me that my Mom would want us to be happy so I tried my best to make it so.

Grief is so unpredictable. I can go days feeling great, and while there is never a day that goes by that I don't miss her, I feel happy. Then it will hit me during random times, and the pain is so raw and strong that it takes my breath away. My life will never be the same since she left. Sometimes I feel cheated. I have a horrible excuse for a man as a father, and then my mother left this Earth so soon. I am grateful for the time we had, but when I see mothers with daughters my age out and about, I feel so sad and lonely. I have had so much taken away from me. I hate it, I hate that she's gone. I sobbed so much around midnight last night because I JUST WANTED TO TALK TO HER. I wonder if she's happy, or misses us. I wonder if she still loves Dylan. I wonder about all this stupid shit that is pointless because I will never know until I one day see her again.

I get so panicky when I look at the things she bought for Dylan in his nursery, and I know someday after we have another baby and use them for him/her, it will be time to give them away. I don't ever want to because those were the last gifts given from her, but we can't hold on to everything forever. As practical as my Mom was, I know she would want those items to get used by another baby. There are items that I will cherish forever, like the blanket she had made for Dylan, or the last gift she ever gave him which was a blue Easter bunny that says "Jesus Loves Me". That bunny is not going anywhere.

Bottom line, it is what it is, and I have to live my life. My life will not be the same without her, but my life can still be wonderful. I have a son who I adore, a great partner, family & friends, and much to look forward to. The moments of grief may become less frequent, but they will never be gone completely. Even when I am a grandma, old & gray, I will miss my Mom, what once was and what will never be.

Speaking of much to look forward to, who else is ready to start a new year?? Holllerrrrrrr! I firmly believe that 2012 will be a great year! I have so many plans for this year and things I want to change for the better. I love a clean slate! I want to accomplish so much, and I am looking forward to seeing Dylan experience life as a toddler!