NYE, a dream, and a fresh start.

Happy New Year!

New Years Eve was much more emotional for me than Christmas, and it totally caught me off guard. Two days before, I started getting unexplainable anxiety attacks in the form of my chest feeling tight and short of breath. I didn't understand why it was happening because I didn't feel more anxious than usual. A couple of hours before midnight on NYE, I felt even worse and then I understood why. Despite my excitement for a fresh start, I felt really sad about saying goodbye to 2011 because it felt like I was saying goodbye to my mom all over again. It was the last year we shared together, and it felt like I was leaving her behind. It's not logical...I know that...but when the clock struck midnight I just cried.

That night, I had the most wonderful dream that I've ever had. I dreamt that I was lost in the ocean, and a huge black whale swam up to me, and rescued me. She guided me back to shore, and I felt so protected and had such a connection with her. It was such a vivid, emotional dream, and I don't think it's a coincidence that I dreamt that. I woke up feeling positive, and ready to let go of the anxiety that was affecting me so much. I felt good about the start of a new year. I know that my mom is watching over me, and I want to make her proud and happy for me.

So here we are a few days later, and I've already made some changes for the better. I've realized that I put a lot of LIFE on hold in 2011, and didn't experience it the best that I could because of everything that happened. Being wrapped up in grief makes time fly by in a flash, and makes you miss out on the world around you. I want to have more fun this year. That should be my word for 2012....FUN. I want to show Dylan so many new experiences, and just enjoy spending time with him. Especially come the spring and summer, I want to take him to the zoo, aquarium, Coney Island, museums, amusement parks, the farm, etc. I did some of those things last year, but he was too young to really enjoy it. Now the real fun begins! By the way, if any bloggers are interested, maybe we can plan a trip to Sesame Place this summer!