Mina's Musings

I'm doing it :)

2012-01-26T22:52:00.003-05:00

I mentioned in my last post how lethargic I feel, and just not great in general. Well, the very next day I made the decision to take the steps needed to start taking care of myself and make a difference in my health. Since last Tuesday I have lost 7 pounds, I have been active every single day, my eating habits have improved and my energy level has skyrocketed compared to how I felt.

I feel really freaking good.

I have way more energy to get things done when I come home from work after picking up Dylan. Before I was exhausted and wiped out--now I get all my chores done before 8pm. I have energy to play with Dylan, and we are both happier. J and I are getting along really well because of my positive outlook.

Don't get me wrong, things aren't all rainbows and unicorns, but in a little over a week's time my quality of life has improved greatly.

I am not making drastic changes, I am talking brisk walks during my hour long lunch breaks, moving more at home, cutting out all soda and eating more fruit & veggies. I still have certain things like rice, bread, potatoes...but smaller portions. I am making changes for the long haul--not just until I reach my goal weight. This is not only about the number on the scale or the size of my clothes-this is about my health!

Weekends are just too short.

2012-01-16T14:55:00.001-05:00

I spent the entire weekend at home with Dylan, and it was wonderful. J ran a lot of errands for us, while I stayed home with the baby. I cherish those moments when it’s just him and I bonding. I love playing trains with him, singing songs to him, and chasing him throughout the apartment. He’s become such a big boy, and it’s so much fun doing the things that he likes. His favorite toy ever is the Thomas & Friends train set that I got him for Christmas, mainly that’s all he plays with right now. Who would’ve thought this girly girl would love playing “choo-choo”?! Another game that he loves is when I take my hair down from my ponytail, and tickle his face with it. This boy is obsessed with his mommy’s hair! I did it in front of J when she got home, and she said, “Look at his face! He is in heaven!”

I wish I could be a stay at home mom. I miss him so much right now.

I also wish I could try for # 2 soon. That is not in the cards for us at the moment. For one, I am just coming from an extremely emotional year, and don’t think I am ready to TTC right now. Secondly, I don’t feel so great health wise. Lately I feel very lethargic, I have no energy, and I don’t feel my best. I am not too hard on myself for not taking great care of myself recently, but I will have to make some changes before I jump on the baby wagon again. Nothing extreme needs to happen, but I need to start taking vitamins again, eat healthier and become more active. Lastly, I want to enjoy spending time with Dylan while he is a one year old and an only. I would like to TTC at the end of the year. I want to very VERY badly, but I have to be practical as well and do what’s best. I am 32, so I feel that I still have some time, but I feel the clock ticking anyway!

For now, I am thoroughly enjoying the time I have with my son. I love his little mischievous smirk, I love the way he runs around, I love the way he giggles when I push his trains on his track, I love the way he hugs me, and I love the smell of his hair. I love how he snuggles closer when I sing to him in the rocking chair, and I love how he is the only person in the world who loves my singing.

Heaven gained another angel

2012-01-15T11:21:00.003-05:00

The baby I posted about, Tripp, passed away yesterday morning in his mommy's arms in his favorite spot. This little boy touched so many people, and made such a difference in his two years and 8 months on this Earth, I know he sure did in my life. RIP sweet angel.

Prayers for Tripp

2012-01-12T15:38:00.001-05:00

I have been reading a blog that I found of a two year old baby boy named Tripp who lives with a skin disorder that makes his body and internal organs blister and become raw. I can't even fathom the pain that this beautiful boy deals with 24/7. He cannot leave the house, let alone even stand up. His young mommy Courtney and her mother spend every single day rocking him in the rocker in the same position. He absolutely dreads getting his diaper changed and baths are so horrible for him that he needs a sedative to get through. His doctor believes that he doesn't have much time left on this Earth, his entire body is swollen. He can't even hold his best friend, a little plastic Elmo. His mommy has so much strength, faith in God and courage. The link to his blog is on the right side of my blog called "Praying 4 Tripp". Reading her blog puts so much into perspective for me. It makes me appreciate EVERY.SINGLE.MOMENT that I have with my son, good and bad. I always think of Tripp when I'm having a bad day because of being exhausted, and my attitude gets turned right back around. I pray that God gives him peace and comfort in any possible way, shape or form....

We're going to Disney :)

2012-01-04T17:34:00.003-05:00

So, I definitely meant what I wrote in my other post today about having fun this year--I booked us a Walt Disney World vacation the week of Halloween! Leaving on Dylan's birthday and coming back the day before mine! Ahhhhhhh, can't wait!! Our first trip as a couple and first family trip!

NYE, a dream, and a fresh start.

2012-01-04T10:36:00.001-05:00

Happy New Year!

New Years Eve was much more emotional for me than Christmas, and it totally caught me off guard. Two days before, I started getting unexplainable anxiety attacks in the form of my chest feeling tight and short of breath. I didn't understand why it was happening because I didn't feel more anxious than usual. A couple of hours before midnight on NYE, I felt even worse and then I understood why. Despite my excitement for a fresh start, I felt really sad about saying goodbye to 2011 because it felt like I was saying goodbye to my mom all over again. It was the last year we shared together, and it felt like I was leaving her behind. It's not logical...I know that...but when the clock struck midnight I just cried.

That night, I had the most wonderful dream that I've ever had. I dreamt that I was lost in the ocean, and a huge black whale swam up to me, and rescued me. She guided me back to shore, and I felt so protected and had such a connection with her. It was such a vivid, emotional dream, and I don't think it's a coincidence that I dreamt that. I woke up feeling positive, and ready to let go of the anxiety that was affecting me so much. I felt good about the start of a new year. I know that my mom is watching over me, and I want to make her proud and happy for me.

So here we are a few days later, and I've already made some changes for the better. I've realized that I put a lot of LIFE on hold in 2011, and didn't experience it the best that I could because of everything that happened. Being wrapped up in grief makes time fly by in a flash, and makes you miss out on the world around you. I want to have more fun this year. That should be my word for 2012....FUN. I want to show Dylan so many new experiences, and just enjoy spending time with him. Especially come the spring and summer, I want to take him to the zoo, aquarium, Coney Island, museums, amusement parks, the farm, etc. I did some of those things last year, but he was too young to really enjoy it. Now the real fun begins! By the way, if any bloggers are interested, maybe we can plan a trip to Sesame Place this summer!

Wishes for 2012

2011-12-30T10:39:00.002-05:00

So I keep blogging about my excitement for the new year, but haven't blogged about what I want to accomplish in 2012. Here goes it:

1. Have a date night at least once every few months. We haven't had ONE. SINGLE. DATE. NIGHT. since our son was born 14 months ago.

2. Spread the love. Random acts of kindness, volunteering, charity walks, donating.

3. Get to a healthier weight, and become more physically fit.

4. Get to a healthier state of mind. Take more time for myself.

5. Take a family vacation.

I wish you all a wonderful year! Nothing but positivity for 2012!

What once was, and what will never be...

2011-12-29T11:57:00.001-05:00

Christmas was wonderful. A little overwhelming for Dylan, but he had a good time. He got such wonderful gifts, he is a very lucky boy! It was not as hard as I feared being the first Christmas without my mom. Christmas Eve was harder, but I had a good talk with my Aunt, and while we both cried, she told me that my Mom would want us to be happy so I tried my best to make it so.

Grief is so unpredictable. I can go days feeling great, and while there is never a day that goes by that I don't miss her, I feel happy. Then it will hit me during random times, and the pain is so raw and strong that it takes my breath away. My life will never be the same since she left. Sometimes I feel cheated. I have a horrible excuse for a man as a father, and then my mother left this Earth so soon. I am grateful for the time we had, but when I see mothers with daughters my age out and about, I feel so sad and lonely. I have had so much taken away from me. I hate it, I hate that she's gone. I sobbed so much around midnight last night because I JUST WANTED TO TALK TO HER. I wonder if she's happy, or misses us. I wonder if she still loves Dylan. I wonder about all this stupid shit that is pointless because I will never know until I one day see her again.

I get so panicky when I look at the things she bought for Dylan in his nursery, and I know someday after we have another baby and use them for him/her, it will be time to give them away. I don't ever want to because those were the last gifts given from her, but we can't hold on to everything forever. As practical as my Mom was, I know she would want those items to get used by another baby. There are items that I will cherish forever, like the blanket she had made for Dylan, or the last gift she ever gave him which was a blue Easter bunny that says "Jesus Loves Me". That bunny is not going anywhere.

Bottom line, it is what it is, and I have to live my life. My life will not be the same without her, but my life can still be wonderful. I have a son who I adore, a great partner, family & friends, and much to look forward to. The moments of grief may become less frequent, but they will never be gone completely. Even when I am a grandma, old & gray, I will miss my Mom, what once was and what will never be.

Speaking of much to look forward to, who else is ready to start a new year?? Holllerrrrrrr! I firmly believe that 2012 will be a great year! I have so many plans for this year and things I want to change for the better. I love a clean slate! I want to accomplish so much, and I am looking forward to seeing Dylan experience life as a toddler!

Love, love, love the holidays.....

2011-12-26T23:36:00.003-05:00

....but REALLY glad they are over!! Bring on 2012!

Eleven Pipers Piping

2011-12-24T17:20:00.001-05:00

Topic: Song and Music

My favorite Christmas song:

Ten Lords a-Leaping

2011-12-23T10:52:00.001-05:00

Hmmm...achievements of 2011. This feels slightly Christmas newsletter-ish to me, and a topic I haven't given thought to before now. I made it through the first year of motherhood, with both baby and mamas intact. I learned to juggle working fulltime and being a new mom. I planned a freaking awesome birthday party for my son. I took the steps to build my credit and paid off a lot of debt (mostly medical). I finished and wrapped all of our Christmas gifts, so now I can try to enjoy the holidays without being as stressed, unlike last year.

So that about wraps it up!

Eight Maids a-Milking and Nine Ladies Dancing

2011-12-22T10:39:00.003-05:00

Topic: Holiday Eats

The Norwegian cookie Krumkake is the definition of Christmas treats to me. My mom's side is Norwegian, and she loved to eat these for the holidays. Two years ago, I surprised her by getting them for Christmas from a Scandinavian delicatessan, and she was in Heaven! She took a whole box home with her. They are kind of difficult to make, you need a special iron, and shape them around a roller. They can break easily, but they are very light, airy and crispy. I'm not a fan of Norwegian cuisine, but I love these cookies!

Topic: Party Time!

We don't have huge parties for Christmas, it is all about family. This Christmas, J's daughter and granddaughter are spending the night Christmas Eve and staying for Christmas day, and her husband will join us on Christmas day. We are passing by J's sister's house briefly to exchange gifts on Christmas Eve, but we can't stay long because J's daughter has bad allergies to their cats. My sisters, and possible my aunt and her boyfriend are coming to my house for Christmas day. We are going to see my other aunt the day after Christmas. We are going to have a full house for Christmas Day, but I am looking forward to it!

Seven Swans a-Swimming

2011-12-20T12:06:00.000-05:00

Topic: A Moment for Grace

I am taking this as a moment to thank God for all that is right in my world. I thank God for giving me the strength to get through the loss of my mother. I thank God that my sister Heather is safe and well taken care of. I thank God for having a good landlord and wonderful neighbors. I thank God that J and I are both working. I thank God that Dylan has his grandma to watch him while we are working. I thank God that I reconnected with certain relatives. I thank God for seeing me through another year. I thank God for all of our health.

Most of all, I thank God for my son, period. I've thanked Him every single day, since he was born.

Six Geese a-Laying

2011-12-19T11:06:00.001-05:00

Topic: Gifts Galore

I love to shop for gifts, so holiday shopping is fun to me! For the most part, all of the gifts are purchased and wrapped under the tree with the exception for a couple. I like taking the time to pick the perfect presents for each loved one in my life. This year, I had a few more gifts than usual because of reconnecting with certain family members, or families expanding.

Last Christmas, money was extremely tight because I was on maternity leave, and I still hadn't received my disability check from the state (which was only $150 a week before taxes anyway), but my job gave me a bonus check the night before Christmas Eve, so I was able to buy gifts for everyone which made me very happy. However, I didn't have enough to get Dylan a gift because I had to buy him bottles which were pretty expensive, but he needed them. I didn't feel too bad because my family, especially my Mom, bought him beautiful gifts. Plus, he was only 2 months old so he didn't know what was going on!

I was soooo excited to buy him presents this year because he would be able to open and enjoy them! He may play more with the wrapping paper than the actual gifts but it's still fun! I don't buy him toys on a regular basis except for his birthday, Christmas and Easter so that's why I buy him a few for each of those occasions. This year I bought him a mega blocks set, a play laptop, a toddler fire truck and a toddler Thomas & Friends train set (he loves Thomas now!).

All in all, while I love giving presents, it is not what Christmas is all about, and even if gifts weren't exchanged it would still be special to me.

Five Golden Rings

2011-12-18T13:00:00.014-05:00

Topic of the day: Decor and Baubles

We are a little over the top, but who cares? We love it! Christmas only comes once a year!

I ordered Dylan the Little People Nativity set because I want him to learn the true meaning of Christmas, and it will be a great teaching tool!

Four Calling Birds

2011-12-17T16:53:00.005-05:00

Today's topic is Holiday Cards, and I loooooooove this one! Every year, I love picking out the perfect holiday card, and this year was no exception. Now that Dylan is here, I love to pick out photo cards, but before he was here I would spend so much time hunting out cards that were just right.

Here is our 2011 Christmas card:

To me, there is nothing better than coming home to cards in the mail, I wish we would all send more snail mail in general! Who doesn't like to open up a cute note or card?? I tape the photo cards to the fridge, and they make me smile whenever I see them. I display the regular cards throughout the house because they are so pretty!

Three French Hens

2011-12-16T10:46:00.002-05:00

Today's holiday topic is Travel Tales, but I do not have anything to write about because J and I have never traveled together, and I never traveled for Christmas in the past. I CAN say that at some point in my life I would love to spend Christmas in Walt Disney World with my little family! Maybe in a few years!

Two Turtle Doves

2011-12-15T10:44:00.005-05:00

The topic for today's challenge of Offering's 12 Day Holiday Challenge is Loved Ones.

I have many acquantainces but only a few truly good friends. The ones that I have, I am fiercely loyal to. One person who has become one of my best friends is my sister, Jenn. Because we are close in age, we grew up bickering a lot, and fighting over out stuff. At the same time, we had some really fun times together! We would do little pranks, make up stories, and just have a good time. As we grew older, and both lived seperately, we started to grow closer, and since my Mom passed we are the closest we've ever been. We count on each other for a lot, and I am glad to have her as a sister. We still have our disagreements, but sisters don't argue at some point? Yesterday, I thought something happened to her because I couldn't reach her, and I thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown! I can't even fathom something happening to her. I am very fortunate to have a sister, and especially one as good as mine! She is a hard worker, teaches in a school in the Bronx, is there for her friends and family, loves Dylan and is a good Godmother and Aunt to him, is an awesome Mom to her doggie Marley, is very smart (has her Master's!), and is a good sister to me! That is why I eventually want another child, I want Dylan to have a sibling relationship like mine.

Us with Dylan last Thanksgiving:

Her with Dylan on his first birthday:

Me, my cousin Chris and Jenn at my stepdaughter's baby shower in 2007:

A Partridge in a Pear Tree

2011-12-14T10:52:00.004-05:00

Offering of Love created a holiday 12 Day Challenge, so I am jumping in!

Today's topic is Trees (Christmas/Solstice). J and I put up our Christmas tree like most years on the weekend after Thanksgiving. We have a small metallic tinsel tree, and I think it's the cutest! I love having a Christmas tree, and cannot envision a Christmas without one. One year we were moving around Christmas and we STILL put one up! J and I are very much on the same page when it comes to all things Christmas, we both love to make the house all festive.

On Friday, J was told that her company provides Christmas trees to their employees each year, so she called me up and asked if she should take one. I said an emphatic "YES!" because I never had a real tree. So she lugged this 7 foot tree to our home, and it was quite the mission setting it up. We had to find a tree stand for a real tree, saw off some of the base because it was cut crooked, decorate it, and take down the other one. However, I am so glad that we did! It is just gorgeous, and the pine smell is divine! I'm happy to finally experience a real tree!

Our fake tinsel tree:

My first real tree!

Dylan loves Santa!

2011-12-13T22:57:00.003-05:00

Grandparents

2011-12-06T11:09:00.003-05:00

As far as grandparents go, I got the short end of the stick. Never met either of my grandfathers, my maternal grandfather died before I was born, and my paternal one was never around and died when I was a kid. Both of my grandmothers are alive, but we are not close. I don't speak to my father's mother, and I am only now starting to forge a relationship with my mother's mother. I use the term "forge" loosely. We exchange formal, awkward conversations every so often. She is just now starting to realize that she misses having family in her life (she is in her 70's), and I talk to her more out of guilt and obligation than anything. She is a cold person by nature, but apparently she has changed a little. She is starting to go to church as well. I know she will never be that ideal warm grandma who showers hugs and home baked cookies my way, but that's okay. She is who she is.

Dylan will never know his grandfathers. I will do whatever I can to ensure he never meets my father. While I am learning to forgive my father because I don't want to hold anger forever in my heart, I know that he is toxic, and I do not want my son to be around him. Our donor was anonymous, so he will not meet his grandfather on that side. But as far as grandmothers go, he is lucky. Of course my mother passed away, but she showed him a lot of love while she was here, and I have proof of that with pictures, gifts she had made and bought, and blog posts about her excitement. I am soooo glad I blogged about my mom, and how thrilled she was to meet him. I even blogged about all of the gifts she bought for him before he was born, so he will read about it one day. He will grow up knowing about her, how much she loved him, and that she is his guardian angel. His other grandma, J's mom, adores him so much as well. She watches him all week when we are at work, and you would never know they are not bio related. She has a million nicknames for him, and she is so proud of him. She once told J that she knew she would love the baby, but she had no idea that she would love him as much as she does. One day, I was joking to her about screening his future wife, and I was saying I hoped I would have grandkids, and she got sad and said she would probably not be around to see that (she is almost 70). The look on her face broke my heart! I told her that he will always know how much she loves him, and that means more to me than anything. Dylan has brought her and I closer together as well.

Dylan with his Grandma (J's mom)

I am so glad that he has many positive people in his life who love him very much.

The post in which I am a sappy mess

2011-12-02T11:11:00.002-05:00

J and I have known we wanted to have a baby since 2004, that is when we first visited a sperm bank clinic for a consultation in Manhattan. As the years passed, life kept getting in the way, and we had to wait to try. Through that time, the fear of the unknown was always on my mind, and I had a deep down worry that I would never have a child. I have always worried about this since I was in my teens, I don't know why exactly. It was irrational to fear that without any reason why, but emotions cannot always be explained.

I always dreamed about the day that I would have my own child to spend Christmas with, and create my own traditions for. So seeing holiday outfits, toy commercials, Santa in the mall, Christmas shops with "Baby's 1st Christmas" ornaments, etc. filled me with a wistful sadness. Buying gifts for the kids in my life, especially for my Goddaughter, made me happy, but also made me wish to do the same for my own baby. I worried that I would never have the chance to experience Christmas as a Mom, and to relive my best childhood memories through my child's eyes.

Now, when I go to the Christmas shop that I go to every year, my eyes are filled with happy tears when I browse the Disney or Sesame Street ornaments, not sad ones like before. When I sit Dylan down with Santa, it is so much more to me than a picture to send out to family and friends. It is all my hopes and dreams rolled into one little snapshot. I am sure that Dylan will roll his eyes at me someday when he is a teenager, but one thing is for sure...he will always cherish his Christmas memories just like I did.

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas!

2011-11-30T10:39:00.002-05:00

Our blogosphere is a tad slow lately, isn't it? I'm thinking that it's due to the fact the most on my blog roll are busy taking care of little ones, combined with the upcoming holidays, so we don't have much time to write! Anyway, not much to report on my end. Holiday preparation is in full swing, and I love it! Christmas is my favorite time of the year, so I am in my glory. I am so into the spirit this year, which is a huge difference from the last! In 2010, Dylan was still a newborn, J put up the tree at the last minute and I didn't even help at all, we didn't decorate our windows or front of our home, I did all my shopping the night before Christmas Eve at the mall, I was exhausted the day of beyond belief. I was a certifiable SCROOGE! I am more than making up for it this year, right after Thanksgiving I begged J to take out the tree so we can get started! Holiday cards are ordered, some gifts are bought and waiting to be wrapped, and I hope to finish shopping by sunday.

Arrgghhh! {excited!}

First Holidays without Mom

2011-11-21T10:18:00.003-05:00

I love the holidays as much as I do because of my mom. She made holidays special for us in her own way each year. While I know Thanksgiving will be hard without her, Christmas will be hard on a whole other level. When I think of Christmas, I think of HER. My best memories of childhood were Christmas, and all she would do for us. She always picked out the perfect gifts, and you knew she took the time to think of each one. She made us the best Christmas stockings ever! All in all, we always had a nice Christmas, and now I know that she struggled to give it to us, but I never would have known it back then.

I want to enjoy the season as much as I can because I know she would want that. I want to feel the peace and joy of the holidays. I will make her famous Icebox Cake in keeping with her tradition, and hope that she smiles from up above when she sees it. I know she will have the best Christmas ever up in Heaven, and even if she isn't with us in person, she is definitely with us in spirit. I cry a lot lately, because she told me last Christmas {Dylan slept the whole entire day} that she couldn't wait until next Christmas to see him walking around and opening up his gifts. I know it will be hard to be without her during this time, but if I know my mom, I know she would want us to have a nice Christmas.

While I still grieve over her, I remind myself how lucky I was to have such a wonderful mom. She was the best person I've ever met, and I'm not saying this because she was my mother, she just was. She was honorable, trustworty, honest, moral, caring and selfless. She loved God and taught us to love Him as well. I was blessed to have her, even if she left us too soon. I'm not saying she was perfect, because none of us are. But she was our mom, she loved us and sacrificed for us, and gave us the best life she could. She was present and involved in our lives EVERY SINGLE DAY. We were lucky.

A poem I found online that I love:

My First Christmas in Heaven

I see the countless Christmas trees
around the world below
With tiny lights like Heaven's stairs,
reflecting in the snow.

The sight is so spectacular,
please wipe away the tear,
For I am spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year.

I hear the many Christmas songs
that people hold so dear,
But the sounds of music can't compare
with the Christmas choir up here.

I have no words to tell you,
the joy their voices bring,
For it is beyond description,
to hear the angels sing.

I know how much you miss me,
I see the pain inside your heart.
But I am not so far away,
We really aren't apart.

So be happy for me, dear ones,
You know I hold you dear.
And be glad I'm spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year.

I sent you each a special gift,
from my heavenly home above,
I sent you each a memory
of my undying love.

After all, love is a gift
more precious than pure gold.
It was always most important
in the stories Jesus told.

Please love and keep each other,
as my Father said to do.
For I can't count the blessings or love
He has for each of you.

So have a Merry Christmas and
wipe away that tear.
Remember, I am spending Christmas
with Jesus Christ this year.

Renewed spirits

2011-11-19T19:24:00.003-05:00

With 2012 around the corner, I've been thinking about my hopes and goals for the new year. Y'all know I like my lists and resolutions, so I guess that's not a surprise! I already have a few fun things to look forward to: sweet 16's, a formal dinner-dance, Dylan's Baptism. I am starting to lose weight again. I am planning on reconnecting with social groups that J and I used to be a part of. I want to plan a vacation if I can {I have no clue who can watch my dog, so this is not a guaranteed thing}. I want to make some more new friends. I want to march in the NYC Pride Parade again, this time as a family of three. I want to try something I've never tried before. I want to learn new recipes. I want to have an amazing summer. I want to see family I haven't seen in a long time. I want to go on mini road trips. I want to continue beefing up my credit report so I can buy our house in a couple of years. I want to say ciao to the hardest year of my life. I want to believe that 2012 will be our best year yet.

Motherhood

2011-11-17T09:46:00.001-05:00

It's amazing how much your loves grows for your child as time passes. Just when you think you couldn't love them more, they do something to melt your heart and your love grows exponentially. Sometimes I feel as though my heart can't take it, if I love him anymore my heart will burst. With that, comes the fear that it could be taken away at any moment. I know I'm going to have a head full of grays in ten years with all the deep down worry I have for him. I know I will have to learn to live with it, I don't want to be a smothering mommy, but I know it will never go away. Even when he becomes a man, moves out and has his own family someday. On the flip side, I want him to be independent, live his life to the fullest, and enjoy what the world has to offer.

Motherhood is such a see-saw of emotions, isn't it?

Random thoughts about blogging

2011-11-16T14:41:00.001-05:00

There are some blogs that I follow that are not on my list featured on my blog. Some of them for a couple of years now. I don't remember how I stumbled upon most of them, and I don't even comment on most of them, but I am still so interested in what happens in their lives. Many of them would probably be surprised to know I follow them because on paper we have nothing {or not much} in common, but I'm still interested in their story and how it plays out. Sometimes I wonder if someone follows me that I would never imagine to be interested in my posts. Someone who has kept up with my life, but has never introduced her/himself. Strange, this blog world, isn't it? You will most likely never meet, yet you are so interested about their story...

One year letter

2011-11-15T13:53:00.001-05:00

To my little rugrat,

You are now a little over one years old, so it's time for another letter to you! I am loving watching you grow into this happy little boy with a mischievous twinkle in your eye. You are all about playing at this moment, and have little time for mommy to hold you, but when I can I sneak in those moments. I still rock you to sleep most nights so that is our "Mommy and Me" time. You are really into the new gifts you received for your birthday, lots of fun stuff! I haven't even brought out the inflatable ball pit I bought for your birthday, wait until you see that! I'm going to be in trouble!

You are becoming so independent lately! You want to be on the go all the time! When we are home, you love to crawl around your room and our room, tearing up the joint. You are obsessed with pulling down your books from your nightstand dresser, and will do it over and over. When you are concentrating on one of your toys, you look so darn cute, you stick out your tongue the whole time! Another cute thing you do is even while in the throes of playing, you will meander back to me for a hug and cuddle before going back to play.

You love (in no particular order):
Bubble baths
Pocoyo & Mickey Mouse Clubhouse
Throwing toys on the floor
Mashed potatoes
Gerber puffs & crunchies
Playing with my hair (you pull at it to comfort yourself, which is an interesting experience when you are upset at the moment--ouch!)
Cuddling with a pillow
Crawling (Yes, you walk, but you like crawling so much more!)
Sitting in a high chair like a big boy when we go out to eat (and pounding on the table)
Taking pictures
Pancakes
Your elephant ball popper toy
Kicking me when I change your pamper

Until the next letter, my beautiful boy!

~Mommy

PS--"I'll love you forever, I'll like you for always, as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be"

Help Tammy and Mark :)

2011-11-14T10:41:00.001-05:00

I have a wonderful blog friend named Tammy who has been through A LOT in her hopes of having a baby. Her and her husband have been through so many ups & downs, they have been through IVF, embryo donation, and miscarriage. Through it all, they never gave up their fight to have a child of their own. They are amazing people, and she has always supported others including myself when we were pregnant, even when she felt down from her own struggles. She is a rare breed of wonderful, very selfless and kind. She and her husband have been chosen by a birthmother who is due to give birth to a baby girl in December, and they are needing to come up with $10,000 more to afford it. Tammy has worked tirelessly to raise money for her adoption fund for a long time with tag sales, bake sales, fundraisers, and working extra hours, but still needs a little help.

A friend of hers is offering half of her proceeds from her Etsy shop to donate to Tammy and Mark's fund. She has beautiful prints, and can do a custom listing if you would like a different size or would like it done on canvas.

I can't think of another couple more deserving than Tammy and Mark! They have been through so much these past few years. If you can, please consider ordering something or donating to their fund so they can bring their little girl home. I'm sure every little bit counts! Thank you!

Seuss Decorations :)

2011-11-10T10:19:00.000-05:00

So, Offeringoflove asked where I got the Dr. Seuss decorations, and since it was crazy trying to find them, I'm posting in case anyone else wants to know as well! It is very hard to find Seuss merchandise in general because they don't pimp out there licensing for everyone to make items, but they are out there if you look! I started planning in the winter so I had tons of time to hunt around.

I found the lifesize cutouts, welcome sign, pencils, bookmarks and hats at Michael's craft center in a Back to School section months ago.

The following I found from Etsy {my Godsend}

Invitations: http://www.etsy.com/shop/peaceloveinvites
Lollipop favor stickers: http://www.etsy.com/shop/christinalou
High chair banner: http://www.etsy.com/shop/cupcaketionary

I made the place cards myself from cardstock, labels and ribbon I found on Ebay. I also made the guest sign-in sheet, and bubble gum jars. I bought the Happy Birthday book from Target for guests to write messages to Dylan.

I found edible cake topper and candles on Ebay.

The kids goody bags are thanks to Target, back in July they had a ton of Seuss items in the Dollar Spot: totes, pens, markers, silly bands, socks, note pads, bowls, stickers, buttons. I also put bubbles, crayons and Seuss toothbrushes I found online.

The adult favors were silver Cat in the Hat ornaments I found brand new on Ebay.

I had SO much fun planning his party, if I had the time and/or the money, I would definitely start my own party planning company!
I've decided on a Toy Story theme for his 2nd {one of our favorite movies}, so I am already getting ideas together and working on it. It's fun for me, what can I say? :)

October {Dylan's Seuss Party}

2011-11-06T11:12:00.032-05:00

October was a fun-filled (read HECTIC) month! Lots to do, but had a great time!

The best thing was celebrating my son's first birthday. It was more emotional for me than I had anticipated, mostly because it was bittersweet without my mom there to be with us. I did my best to throw a great party because she had encouraged me to, and I know she was with us in spirit! I had my moments of breaking down in tears in my office bathroom the day of his actual birthday, but I got through it and pulled it together for his party.

Speaking of which, the party was a BLAST! We had a few no shows due to snow (!) and icy conditions, but mostly everyone made it. We had a great food, dancing and an awesome balloon twister. Dylan had a great time and so did we! Here's some photos...

And here he is as a pirate for Halloween!

And lastly, playing with one of his birthday gifts...

So this year flew by, and it feels like just yesterday that my boy was a little peanut in my arms. I am loving this new stage, but it's so bittersweet! Well, we're going to jump on the TTC rollercoaster again in 2012, so who knows what this next year will bring!

2011-10-06T10:59:00.002-04:00

Thank you all so much for your feedback on vaccinations! On certain forums that I frequent, moms are so anti-vaccination that it gives me a pause for a split second that I am doing that right thing by getting them done, but ultimately I cannot take a chance to not immunize him. My pediatrician has been very good about letting me spread them out a little, and I feel comfortable with my choice. I've decided on us all getting the flu shot as well. I respect all of your opinions completely, so thank you for your input!

Shots, shots, shots

2011-10-05T12:11:00.002-04:00

I have been getting Dylan his vaccinations, but on a delayed schedule. At this point, he has one more shot needed to complete his 6 month shots, and then after that will be his one year shots, which I may spread out as well. Because there is so much controversy regarding vaccinations, I am always on the fence about what the right thing to do is. I decided I didn't want to take a chance in not getting them done, but I would spread them out and not get them done on the doctor's schedule. He has not had a really bad reaction yet, he will have a slight fever for a few days and is fussier than usual. I am indecisive about the flu shot, but I am leaning toward getting him one.

What is your opinion on vaccinations? I welcome all feedback, whether you are pro or against. Thanks!

Retrospective

2011-09-20T14:19:00.003-04:00

I started this blog to document my journey to getting pregnant, but I am continuing it to one day print it for my son. I don't keep a journal, and I've read this blog from the first entry to the most current the other day and found myself surprised at how much has happened that I forgot. I am so glad I started it, because it gives me such nostalgia and happiness to read my previous entries, especially from last year. Because I have the memory of an ant {of course assuming an ant doesn't have a large memory}, this blog is invaluable to me. Do you reread your entries from time to time and find yourself surprised at things you've forgotten?

So I'm taking a break from my break to write about how happy I've been. I still have hard days, still have problems with J sometimes, but overall I am happy. I feel so optimistic about the future, and all that is in store. I am more in love with my kid each day that passes. He has grown into a feisty, mischievous, happy little boy and I take such delight in him. The love I feel for him is such that I can't help but shower him with kisses, and munch him out. One day, he is going to push me away, so for now I am taking advantage! Am I exhausted and spent some days? Do I sometimes crave even a minute of "me" time? Yes and yes. But I envision myself reading this entry next year and missing this time period with all it entails.

J and I are gelling much better again. We are both confident in our parenting skills and roles, and we are in the groove of things. We are making more efforts to understand the other. Perfect? Uh, no. We never were, even pre-baby. But I think we've found our flow. The silliness and affection has been returning, and I like it.

I am writing this entry because I don't want to forget how happy I am right now. Next year, if things are going badly for whatever reason, I want to remind myself that there is always a light at the end of the tunnel when I read this blog post. If things are going awesome, then I want to remind myself not to take it for granted, and I had to fight to get my happy back after losing my Mom. Maybe next year I will be pregnant again, and will look for my posts on morning sickness and other temporary ailments I went through to remind myself that it doesn't last forever. Maybe next year I will have a newborn, and will need to remind myself that in a couple of months, it gets easier.

I wonder if many of us will show our blogs to our little ones when they grow up? How awesome would it have been if our moms had blogs, and we could read all about our conception {without certain details of course LOL} and beyond?

On Hold

2011-08-26T14:07:00.001-04:00

It is ironic that I am writing this, since this is my second post of the day, but I am putting this blog on pause. I feel like I'm struggling to come up with topics to blog about lately. I will continue to check in on you all, but I am going on hiatus for now to take a break from blogging. I plan on TTC #2 in the winter, so I'll probably be back to blog about that!

WTF

2011-08-26T11:56:00.001-04:00

Tuesday, a minor earthquake felt in NYC, I was on the 15th floor of my Queens office building, and it shook. Scariest moment of my life, running down 15 flights of stairs with hundreds of co-workers, not knowing what the hell was going on. As New Yorkers, first thing that comes to mind is a bomb. Thank God it was minor, because we were so not prepared for a freaking earthquake!

This weekend, Hurricane Irene is expected to hit the 5 boroughs of NYC. We are being urged to pack a "go" bag, stock up on essentials, and have an emergency plan in place. A town right near mine is being told to evacuate. They are evacuating certain hospitals. I'm praying this will be minor as well.

Way too much from Mother Nature in one week.

Who would have thought?

2011-08-23T10:03:00.002-04:00

I forgot about a photobucket album that I made a few years ago, I think in 2007? In this album, I found two pictures that I love.

My mom.

I took this while waiting for my sister's college graduation ceremony to begin. It was a beautiful day. I love the way my mom looks here, even with the huge sunglasses.

Me.

My friend took this after we had an awesome dinner with lots of margaritas. We took lots of silly pics after, and I love this one because I look so happy and carefree. This was taken in 2007, way before many life-altering things occured in my life. I can vaguely recall this version of myself.

I never thought I would look at these pictures one day, and feel like they are such distant memories of my life. It's surreal.

I feel that my life is taking a turn for the better, lately. My relationship with J is improving by the day. I have a lot to look forward to in the next few months. I'm becoming happier again, and I am ready to turn the page to a new chapter in my life.

Me time!

2011-08-22T16:14:00.002-04:00

Last wednesday night, my dog Chloe had an accident on the floor, which is unusual for her. I slipped on the puddle, and my knee landed on a ceramic tile full force. The pain was EXCRUCIATING, and I even had a panic attack because I was so overcome with pain. J took me to the ER, while her daughter came over to stay with the baby. An x-ray showed that I had a small break in my kneecap, nothing too serious. It should heal on its own provided I take it easy and wear the knee immobilizer when walking more.

Yesterday, J took the baby out to run some errands and to give me some time to relax. I spent the entire day in bed, watching TV and movies. It was just like a typical lazy sunday I used to have pre-baby. I haven't had time like that to myself since he was born, and enjoyed it to the fullest. I watched the movie Something Borrowed, caught up to my fave reality shows, and was just a lazy bum. However, it made me think about how much my life has changed and how grateful I am that it did. When they came home, I was so happy to cuddle with Dylan! Thank you God for sending us this little munchkin...

That's all I have to say. :)

Memories on a plate

2011-08-17T10:00:00.001-04:00

There are certain foods that I will always associate with my childhood, but there is one that brings back memories everytime I have it: Italian "Sunday" sauce. That is a homemade sauce simmered all day long. It has meatballs, braciole and sausage in it. I love it on pasta, and also dunking Italian bread in it. My father's side of the family always made it for holidays, we had it for Thanksgiving, Christmas and Easter, and my mom learned to make her own version of it which was yummy. I have never made it, but am going to very soon. I'm going to ask my Aunt Durene to teach me how. I want Dylan to grow up eating meals that I loved as a kid.

What meals do you consider comfort foods from your childhood? Do you want to cook them for your child(ren) as well?

Letter to Dylan

2011-08-10T15:52:00.001-04:00

Dear Dylan,

It's been a while since I've written a detailed post about you, shame on Mommy! You are 9 months and 2 weeks old today. You have a very happy personality for the most part, and you have the most beautiful smile I've ever seen! You are becoming a lot more mobile lately, you are standing on your own in your playpen and crib, crawling more, and getting into things more! You still have eight teeth, and you must have more on the way soon because you are teething like crazy, my poor baby.

You went on your first rides at Coney Island this weekend, the choo-choo train and merry go round. You loved them both, but really loved the merry go round! You also dipped your feet in the ocean for the first time, and loved watching the sea gulls. You had a little vanilla ice cream, which you went crazy for. We had a beautiful day, and I have some wonderful pictures from it!

Also, you went on your first mini road trip two weeks ago with me and Aunt Jenn. We went to Mt. Tremper and Woodstock in upstate, because your Grandma loved to go there when she was a kid. We even stayed at the house that she used to stay in! We had such a nice time, and you were a good boy in the car except for a mini meltdown on the way back. Aunt Jenn took some nice pictures of you! You even went to your first fancy restaurant, a Zagat rated one called La Duchesse Anne. It is located at the Bed & Breakfast we stayed at. All you wanted to do was play with their leather menu, and bang stuff on the table. I wish we spent more time there, but we will go back again, maybe next summer. Then we can swim in Esopus Creek like Aunt Jenn and I did with Grandma when we were kids.

You are now sleeping in your crib in your own little room like a big boy. It was hard to get you to sleep in it for a long time, but now you are very comfy in it! Every day, I put you to play in there with some toys so you would get used to being in it, and now you like it! I laugh at the funny positions I find you in when I wake up on the morning. You love having all this room to sprawl out! You LOVE the aquarium mobile Grandma bought you, you sit in front of it and bang away on it!

You have a new habit, you love to pull my hair and ears. You pull them even when you are falling asleep! I guess it's fun for you, but not so fun for Mommy! You also like to pull Mama's hair, and you like to try and bite her hair too.

So many people approach us on the street when I am with you, saying how cute you are! I notice that Mama likes to dress herself AND you extra cute when you go out with her, I think she likes the attention! I like to tease her about it. :)

I miss you so much when I go to work, I think about you all of the time! I know your other Grandma takes good care of you, but I still wish I could be there with you. Usually when I come to pick you up, you are sitting on the floor with Grandma, playing and having fun. She likes to give you baths, and feed you new foods like rice & beans, which you love. As soon as you see me, you get very happy, which makes ME so happy!

Your favorite shows on TV are Blue's Clues, Sesame Street, Ni Hao Kai-Lan, Mickey Mouse Clubhouse, but most of all, you love Pocoyo! I've never heard of the show until one day it came on, and you went NUTS for it! I taped it so I could play it when I want to for you, and each time you laugh so much when it's on!

I am busy getting your 1st birthday party together, I can't wait for you to have fun on your special day! After this day, I will be all Seussed out, but I love everything that I've found for your party! You won't remember this day when you get older, but you will see the pictures!

I am looking forward to all of the fun times I have planned for you. I can't wait to take you to the Zoo, the aquarium, the Queens Farm with the pumpkin patch and hay rides, and trick-or-treating for Halloween. I am looking forward to your 2nd Christmas, which will feel like your first since you were only 2 months old for it and you slept through the entire holiday!

You have been the biggest joy in our lives since you have arrived. Mama adores you so much, she kisses you all day long, and is very protective of you. She watches you like she is a mama bear, and you are her cub! You are my sunshine, just like I sing to you all of the time.

Love you always,
Mommy

9 months, party, #2, and blogiversary!

2011-07-28T11:13:00.001-04:00

Dylan turned 9 months old yesterday, and what a bittersweet feeling that is! He is on the way to toddlerhood, and I LOVE watching him grow, but I am also wistfully remembering his infant days. Of course, when I was in the throes of it, it wasn't so much fun, but I wish I would've stayed more in the moment now that I know how fast the time flies. Everyone told me to enjoy it because it goes fast, but when you're extremely sleep deprived and a brand new mom, you don't really believe it. But yes, it does go quickly. I can barely remember life without him, he is my heart.

I booked the venue for his 1st birthday, it will be a brunch buffet party with unlimited mimosas, Bloody Marys and bay breeze cocktails! I chose to have an afternoon party from 12pm until 4pm because I felt it would be best for him and his schedule. Everything is set, I just need to order the cake. Yes, I did everything way in advance, but 3 months will fly by, and I want to be able to relax on the day of and be stress free (I hope LOL). My mom wanted me to have a great birthday party for him, and that is what I am going to do. It's more to me than just a party. It is a celebration of making it through the first year, getting family and friends together, and having a beautiful day! I am SO looking forward to it!

So, I have a game plan to get ready for Baby #2. I am definitely going to try in early to mid 2012. I am losing weight, and I want to get down to a much healthier weight. I want to get in better shape, because I remember how much pain I was in after Dylan's birth (ohhhh my back killed me) and I think if I am in shape it will help with that. Not that I really indulge now, but I am going to cut out caffeine and alcohol. Take prenatals daily. Store vials of the donor we used for Dylan. Stock up on OPK's and order the Clomid when I get closer. Basically, I am going to follow the same plan that I did the first time around. It's hard to believe I am already getting ready to have a 2nd baby. I am less nervous and more excited than I was the first time around. Jenn, if you're reading, this is for your eyes only! Don't tell anyone else about my plans LOL.

July 23rd was my two year blog anniversary, by the way! You've been with me through the highs and lows of the past two years, thank you for sticking with me!

Moms of more than one, how has it been?

2011-07-18T11:27:00.000-04:00

While I am not going to be TTC again until 2012, it's on the brain a lot. I'm curious about a few things. For you mamas of two or more, has it been harder, easier or different than you imagined it would be? How did your firstborn handle the arrival of the newcomer? Is there something you wish you knew prior? Were you more relaxed during the second pregnancy?

I know it's not going to be easy if we have another baby, but every instinct in me is urging for one. It is strange, considering that I was fine with only one before Dylan was born. Maybe because I love him so much, and I would love to experience it again. Maybe because I want to give him a sibling. But I can't ignore the fact that I will probably always live with regret if we don't try again!

The Cat in the Hat Knows A Lot About That!

2011-07-14T12:29:00.001-04:00

So, Dylan's 1st birthday party is 3 1/2 months away, and I am excitedly getting all of the details together. I have not booked the place yet, but I am definitely throwing it in a place because my apartment is way too cramped. The theme is going to be Dr. Seuss' The Cat in the Hat!

So far, here's what I've got for the party:

~Decorations: First of all, finding decorations for this theme was not as easy as I thought it would be! There are NO actual Cat in the Hat mylar balloons to be found because they stopped making them (I actually called balloon warehouses, they all told me that). Most party stores do not carry anything Dr. Seuss. So I've had to be creative! I found a bunch of Cat in the Hat items at Michael's Craft Center in the teacher's section. I bought paper cutout hats for the kids, stickers, bookmarks, paper cutouts of the Cat in the Hat, and a welcome sign. I filled two glass jars with turquise, red and white gumballs, and tied them with Cat in the Hat ribbon I found on Ebay, also.

~Favors: For the kids, I hit the jack pot at Target's dollar spot. They had Dr. Seuss reusable bags, erasers, markers, silly bands and socks. I am making gift bags out of those, and will fill with those items, and I bought bubbles to put inside. I also have the stickers and bookmarks from Michael's. I just want to get a few extras, and they are set. In addition, I made favors for the adults. I found these silver plated Cat in the Hat Christmas ornaments on Ebay that were brand new in boxes. They were only $30 for 30 of them! I bought mini turquoise bags and shredded tissue paper for them, and also ordered custom personalized favor stickers with Cat in the Hat on them for the front of the bags. I think they will be cute favors, because people can put them on their Christmas tree, or just hang them on the wall. Lastly, I found a great deal on mini glass mason jars with a red lid. I am going to fill them with M & M's or some other kind of candy, wrap in cellophane and tie with a bow, and put the custom stickers I ordered in front. I got great deals for everything all around! It just takes a little perserverance and creativity!

~T-shirt decals: I found Cat in the Hat iron on decals for J and I to make t-shirts for us, and I am going to order a custom one for Dylan!

What is left for me to do:

~I am planning on ordering turquise, red and white latex balloons for the balloon bouquets, and I will make a little centerpiece for each of them myself.

~I want to make turquoise, red and white tissue pom-poms, but I have to find out if whatever place I choose will allow me to hang them.

~Find a baker who can make a Cat in the Hat cake

~Order a high-chair banner

~Book the place

~Get photo Cat in the Hat invites ordered

Hmm, that's it! Everything is almost set! I am sure that this post was not that interesting for MOST to read, but I LOVE to plan parties, and now that I have Dylan, I have the perfect excuse to go overboard! Of course, Dylan will not remember any of this, and when he sees pictures later he will probably shake his head while laughing, but it's fun for me :)

I think I would eventually like to become a party planner on the side, because this is my thing!

Change is inevitable

2011-07-07T10:32:00.000-04:00

Since Mom passed, I don't really recognize myself. I keep changing in so many tiny little ways, but it all adds up to a whole new me. I am more scatterbrained. I don't listen as well. I am more emotional. I now speak my mind, where before I used to hold my tongue a little more. I tolerate bullshit a lot less. I care less about what others think. I am reaching out to others more to keep up connections that I had lost. It is almost two years since I started this blog, and when I read old entries, I don't recognize myself in my own words. I feel like a snake that shed it's old skin, and grew a new one. I like it, though. After a near nervous breakdown a few weeks ago (really, I was THIS close), I came out stronger than I've ever been. Things that used to stress me out big time have almost no effect on me right now. Cue Kanye West: "That that that that that don't kill me, can only make me stronger".

My baby is growing quickly before my eyes. He is becoming a little boy, and I am left standing with my hands up in the air wondering where the time went. I want to enjoy my baby without already thinking of another, which I know will happen at some point, but I need to enjoy the present and not always think of the future. All the changes that I resolved to make for him didn't happen, I didn't lose the excess weight and become healthier for him--instead I gained a little more, and I feel older than ever. I am always thinking about doing things to be a better mom to Dylan, or what would be good for him, which is a great quality. However, I have to realize that I cannot always live my life for my son, it is not healthy. I have to work on becoming better for MYSELF, not just for him. Because as I am realizing, time moves faster than we can imagine, and one day he will be off to college and living his own life, and I will be lost because I won't know who I am besides being a mother.

The only thing I can do is take my life from negative to positive. I joined WW with my best friend, and I really like the plan. I am back to my hour walking regimen during my lunch break. When waiting for J to leave work last night so I could drive us home, I walked in the park at the track for an hour. I am in a lot of pain this morning from all of the exercise, but I am going to keep going. I AM doing all of this for my baby, but I am also doing it for ME. Huge changes are on the horizon for me, I can feel it. My sister wrote something on FB a little while ago: "Things in life are temporary. So if it's going good, enjoy it because it won't last forever. And if things are going bad, don't worry because it can't last forever". How spot on is that??

8 months

2011-06-27T11:51:00.001-04:00

Today Dylan is 8 months old! He now has 8 teeth, is trying to crawl (he crawled backwards last night), is becoming very vocal, is starting to experience separation anxiety, and loves to pull my hair LOL. Time is flying too fast for me! It feels like just yesterday I gave birth, and now he is going to be a year old in a few months!

In other news, as I'm sure you know by now, NY passed the Marriage Equality bill. If you're my friend on FB, I'm sure you know how much this means to me, I made numerous daily phone calls, e-mails and FB posts to undecided Senators in hopes they would vote yes. I even spoke on a call in news show about it. When I saw it pass on TV live, I just simply cried. J had proposed to me 8 years ago, and I always told her I didn't want to get married until NY passed it. She told me it may never happen, but I refused to do it until then. Now I am excitedly making plans! I am thinking about a fall 2012 date. Dylan will be two by then!

Getting closer!

2011-06-22T14:19:00.001-04:00

As I wrote about before, I have trying for another baby on the brain. I don't think about it obsessively, but it is definitely on my mind. I am 31 years old, and I know that as more time passes, it may get harder to get pregnant, so I want to try sooner rather than later. I'm thinking in the beginning of the new year.

I have game plan (you know how much I love my lists!):

1. Start shedding some weight now. My weight didn't pose an issue when pregnant with Dylan, but I felt ginormous! I may not get super thin, but I would be happy at a smaller size.
2. Go back to my pre-TTC diet before I got pregnant. Which was green tea daily, cutting out soda, mostly no alcohol, eating cleaner, taking prenatal vitamins every day.
3. Set up baby fund. That will be for TTC, and also for stuff we will need if I do get pregnant again. I will definitely have to stock up on diapers and wipies.
4. Purchase some vials to store of the donor we used before.

J is on the baby train as well, she wants another. Are we crazy, or do you agree with us?

Stronger

2011-06-21T09:59:00.000-04:00

Despite everything has happened, and the obstacles I face at this moment, I've decided to return to my optism. I lost it along the way, and in turn, lost myself. My whole life, I've always been the Eternal Optimist. No matter what I faced, I knew things would always get better. Also, my faith in God helped me along the way. I am choosing to let my worries go, and give them to God. I am taking it one day at a time. I am going to work on myself, and get myself to a better place. I have let myself go, both mentally & physically. I am not the same person I was a few years ago. Things will never go back to "normal", I need to find a new normal. I need to be positive and look forward to the future. I need to not live in fear of what comes next. I need to be a happy person in order to be a good partner and mommy. I am letting it go--whatever "it" is.

Yes, I miss my mom. But I can't change it. I have to accept it and accept my new life. She would not want me to lose my joy for life. She would want me to find my way.

It's time to find myself. I don't know who I am anymore. I've lost myself these past few years. I've gained a lot of weight. I've stopped taking care of myself in many ways. I always thought I would never let that happen, but it did. I can either lose control of my life and let the chips fall where they may, or I can stand up and do something about it. I am not the person I was 5 years ago. But I AM stronger than that person and I can be BETTER than that person.

Guardian Angel?

2011-06-08T11:45:00.000-04:00

Since Mom passed away, I feel like she has been guiding my sisters and I, and helping us in some ways. I feel she had a hand in helping us with her funeral--long story, but my sister Jenn and I agree that we think she was helping things work out smoothly.

Before she died, I kept telling her that I was having trouble on picking a church to have Dylan baptized. It is important for me to have him baptized because I am a Christian, but I would feel awkward just going into any random church and asking if they will baptize him, especially because I fear that they would look down on us for being a two mommy household. J and I have been to the MCCNY in NYC because it was created for the LGBT community, but we know it would be difficult for everyone to get to.

The funeral home director (who was awesome and a Godsend during such a rough time) recommended the pastor for our Mom's service, and I sensed the pastor was a good man. I asked him if he would baptize my baby, I felt it would be symbolic since he presided over Mom's service, and would be another way to make her presence felt. He said he definitely would, just to call the church to set it up. I felt good about it, and looked him up online this morning.

Get this---He is a gay pastor! He was even the co-Grand Marshall for the Staten Island Pride parade in 2009!

Just another incident that makes me feel like my Mom is helping out from up above.

2011-06-07T16:43:00.001-04:00

Each day gets harder and harder.
I am walking on a tight rope, at the verge of falling off.
How can one person feel this lonely, surrounded by people?
My grief is all-consuming.
I'm tired of pretending I'm okay. I'm NOT okay.

Baby Dreaming

2011-06-06T15:48:00.002-04:00

I want to TTC #2 so badly. Of course, not at this very moment, but sometime in the near future. The ONLY thing holding me back from that is child care. As I've written about before, J's mom babysits Dylan while I am at work, but that may not last very long because (a) she is 68 years old and growing increasingly fatigued, and (b) she plans to move to Florida at some point. My view point is this: after all I have been through these past few years, especially recently---I can handle anything thrown my way. And this is a challenge I will be happy to face. Seeing how much my sister and I have RELIED on each other this past month, and how much we've needed each other, I have a strong desire to give Dylan a sibling close in age. Plus, the joy that Dylan has given me has helped me weather my struggles.

It is bittersweet even contemplating another baby because Mom won't be here to meet the next little one. Oddly, I told my mom and my sister the names I want to use for my possible future baby the day before her heart stopped the first time. Gavin or Austin for a boy, and Lily for a girl. If I am ever lucky enough to have another, I will definitely use those names. I am saving most of Dylan's baby things because MOST of them came from my Mom.

I posted up some pics of Dylan's 7 month photo shoot earlier today, check them out! I did the Mets baseball theme for my sister, she is a die-hard Mets fan, so that was a surprise for her. :)

Dylan's 7 month shoot!

2011-06-06T14:20:00.001-04:00

Trying to hold it together...

2011-06-01T11:37:00.001-04:00

Thank you all so much for your support and condolences. These past few weeks have been unimaginably hard, and things are getting worse, not better. My sister and I are trying to file for guardianship of my mentally disabled sister Heather. We are facing a roadblock from my father, who will not sign the consent form. It is likely we will have to drag this to court and fight him to get guardianship of her. I have written about my father on my blog before, he was very abusive growing up, and is not mentally stable at all. What scares me is that he can appear to be a nice, respectable Christian man to strangers because he is very manipulative. We have some proof of his character in the form of horrible e-mails he has sent us, plus my sister has proof that he stole her indentity by taking credit cards out under her name. She never pressed charges on him, but if it comes down to the wire and it means keeping him away from Heather, than we will do it.

I feel like I don't have the "luxury" of just simply grieving. Between fighting my father for guardianship, working full time, taking care of the baby, I don't ever have a chance to just sit and think of my mom or lay in bed and cry. Maybe that is God's way of keeping me going. I promised my mom that we would be okay, and I feel obligated to be strong and hold it together. Sometimes, though, I feel like falling apart.

2011-05-23T10:12:00.002-04:00

My mom passed away on Wednesday. She was released from the hospital last saturday afternoon, and was brought back by ambulance on Monday morning because she had trouble breathing. I was able to get to the hospital quickly and be with her. She asked my sister and I to step out for a half hour to let her get some sleep. When we came back, she was on life support because her heart stopped and they revived her. At that point, the doctor told us she wouldn't make it. She came out of sedation briefly, and I told her I loved her. Her heart stopped two more times before they transported her too the critical care unit. When we were able to see her, they said she wouldn't not wake up, and was brain dead, there was not reflexes or responses. Well, they were wrong, she woke up the next morning. She couldn't speak because she was on the life support, but she was able to communicate to us by nodding and squeezing our hands. She told us she did not want to be resuscitated again and did not want any more treatment. She wanted to be sedated, even though that meant she would eventually pass away. We told her we loved her, and she mouthed it to us. She wanted us to hug her, which we did. She asked me to pray. She told us to take care of Heather. She wanted to see a picture of Dylan. I told her everything I wanted to tell her. I asked her is she would watch over us, and she said she would. I also asked her for a sign that she is okay, and she said she will give me one. She was then sedated, and passed away the next day.

My mom was so, so brave. She told me before that she was not afraid to die, and I know that she was telling the truth. She is my hero and my everything, and my life will never be the same without her, but I will live my life in a way that she will be proud of me, because I know she is watching over me.

Tattoos

2011-05-11T14:09:00.000-04:00

Many would not know this about me, but I have quite a few tattoos. I have the ability to cover them up, so most do not even know they are there. It's like my own little secret.

My first is a dolphin with a moon and star. I regret that one, I got it on impulse at 18 years old on vacation in Tampa. I was mad at my ex that day (well that whole week), he never wanted me to get a tattoo, and I wanted one, so I took the car to a place and picked the first one that I liked. At the time, I LOVED dolphins, so that was why I chose it. Now, it just reminds me of my ex, and I'm not that into dolphins anymore. Que sera, sera.

Next was another impulse tattoo at 19 years old. I got it the day of final exams at college. A couple of girls from the same class, had another class with me later that day, and there was a break in between exams. We all started talking to each other for the first time, and decided to have a little fun in the mean time. We went shopping, had lunch, then we somehow had the bright idea to get tattoos(?!?!). We all got one at this place near Coney Island in Brooklyn. Mine was a little butterfly on the back of my neck. I still like it, thank God.

Third was putting J's initials, JC, on my right shoulder blade a cool looking flower. She got my whole name spelled out on the back of her neck at the same time. I told her if we ever break up, I joked to her that I will tell people mine stands for Jesus Christ.

Next, I had the word "Femme" written on my lower back. It is a huge part of my identity.

Last, I added a daisy and the word "Beloved" to the butterfly on the back of my neck. Beloved is for my favorite poem, Late Fragment" by Raymond Carver:

And did you get what
you wanted from this life, even so?
I did.
And what did you want?
To call myself beloved, to feel myself
beloved on the earth.

I've known all along that I want to get a tattoo with Dylan's name, and wanted a symbol to go with it. I couldn't think of anything that fit right. Finally, it occurred to me. I love the symbolism of the lotus flower. It symbolizes the ability to grow, despite all obstacles. In the summer, I am going to get a tattoo of a lotus flower, with Dylan's name underneath on my left shoulder blade. I can't think of a better symbol for him!

Future Goals

2011-05-10T15:47:00.001-04:00

If I've learned anything these past couple of weeks, I've learned we cannot take life for granted. I haven't enjoyed my life to the fullest, and may not for a while, but there will be changes in store at some point in my life.

For one, I want to get out of New York. I am tired of living like a rat in a cage, no backyard, neighbors so close we can hear each other's conversations, very little nature. I am tired of always having the threat of a terrorist attack looming. I am tired of the insanely high cost of living. I am tired of living in a tiny apartment. I am tired of the hectic pace. J's family are all talking of moving to Florida, her brothers already made the move this year. I lived in FL for a while as a kid, and liked it. I would love to move back!

I want to get back in shape and make my health a priority. I have a family history of cancer on Mom's side, each generation has had someone get it. I need to wake up and smell the coffee.

I want to take a VACATION. Anywhere. Last vacation was in 1999, plus J and I have NEVER been on a vacation together in 8 years of our relationship!

I want to open my own business at some point, even a side hobby or something.

I want to open up more to my family and friends and let them in my life more than I have.

I want to put together a family reunion.

I know, these are lofty goals, but I think they are doable!

I ♥ this little face!

2011-05-10T09:52:00.001-04:00

Grateful List! Because everyone needs to remind themselves how good they have it, sometimes.

2011-05-09T12:25:00.004-04:00

I am grateful that my mother is still here, still fighting, and is a trooper.

I am grateful to have an amazing sister. Our relationship was a little rocky as kids, although we always had each other's backs. Now, our relationship is growing stronger by the day. She took me out for lunch on Saturday and gave me a beautiful card, socks and an awesome Body Shop coconut bath basket. I gave her a bouquet of flowers, a picture and a candle. I always give her a little something for Mother's Day because she is a Mommy to angels in Heaven. We have a good time together, and in some ways I consider her to be a best friend.

I am grateful to have an understanding job, and co-workers that care.

I am grateful to have a partner who loves me so much, despite how bitchy I've been to her. Really, I've been a bitch, I tend to take my frustration out on her. But we've had a few heart to hearts this weekend, and I know she is always there for me. I need to cut the crap before I push her away!

I am grateful for my adorable neighbors on the first floor who love the baby, and surprised us by baking us muffins yesterday. They are a mother and daughter duo, and have never made us feel weird for being a two mommy family.

I am unbelievably, undeniably grateful for my little munchkin, who's smile melts my heart! I love this kid.

Mother's Day

2011-05-06T14:13:00.001-04:00

I don't think I can write in on Mother's Day because my internet is down at home, plus I will be busy with mom, but I can't let my first Mother's Day pass by without acknowledging it. Happy Mother's Day to all of my fellow Mommies!

Dear Dylan,

Thank you for coming into my life and giving me hope, strength, purpose and love. Thank you for showing me just how patient I can be, and how strong I can be. Thank you for bringing joy and light into my life. Thank you for giving me a reason to get up every morning, and plan for the future! Thank you for being sweet and loveable. Thank you making me smile with your little antics. Thank you for showing me how deep I can love something so little. Thank you for being mine. Thank you for making me a Mom.

You are my sunshine.

~Mommy

2011-05-05T14:51:00.001-04:00

I am beginning to feel that I will never again feel truly happy. Sure, I will have happy moments, enjoy life, or even BE happy. But I will never be truly happy again once I lose my mother. There will be a void in my life that can never be filled. The time will come when I can't pick up the phone and talk my mom's ear off with the menial details of my day, or something that Dylan did that made me laugh or smile.

I don't know if I will lose her in two years, two months, two weeks, two days--But I know I will lose her. We ALL will lose our mothers at some point, it's inevitable, but to know that it is coming is so incredibly hard. From now until that point is just a long goodbye.

What I wouldn't give to turn back time pre-cancer and relish those innocent moments. When the most stressful thing in my life was apartment hunting, or something of that nature. When my future seemed bright and optism always prevailed. Last year, at this time, I was in my second trimester and enjoying every minute of it and looking forward to my "first" Mother's Day. My mom, the future Grandma-to-be, was busy shopping for her Grandson on the way, and pretty much bought everything I could ever need. It was the best time of my life. I am so glad that my mom got to enjoy being a grandma without this disease weighing on her happiness. Thank you God for giving us that gift.

2011-05-03T16:44:00.000-04:00

As you've read in my last post, the diagnosis for my mom is not good. On Friday, right after they gave her the diagnosis, they admitted her to the hospital to have a stent inserted to unblock her bile duct to help the jaundice, which they did yesterday. When her enzymes are in order, they will begin chemo. Friday was the worst day of our lives, and aside from worrying about my mother, my sister and I had to look into who would care for our disabled younger sister. As I've written about before, Heather is severely mentally retarded, and has seizures as well. I always said I would take care of her if something happened to my mom, but my mom told me a couple of years ago that she didn't want that for me, and that Heather is on a waiting list for a good group home, that is where my mom wanted her to go. My sister Jenn was on the phone all day with Heather's case worker, and she was able to get Heather into the home she was on the list for that very same day. It was extremely hard for us, we had to run around to get her prescriptions at the pharmacy twice because the first time they made an error, pack up things for her, and get her situated, all while reeling from my mom's diagnosis, and worrying about her at the hospital. I do feel that God helped us that day, everything worked out okay for Heather, the place she went to is very nice. It is a residential house, with 3-4 workers at a time, and only two other patients there who are older women that are a little higher functioning than Heather. The manager was so comforting to us, hugging us and letting us cry on her shoulders. She said that they will take good care of Heather, she has her own little room, and they take them on fun outings all of the time. Yesterday I stopped by to check on her, and she was clapping and dancing to music.

It's so hard just getting through the day. My body literally aches from the stress. I'm tired of people calling me to ask me questions about my mom, it's like I have to relive the experience through each phone call. I understand they want information, but when you get multiple calls throughout the day, every day, you get tired of it. Everyone asks me how much time the doctor says she has left. Why are they asking ME this?? Do they think I want to talk about it?? I even got a freaking text asking me that! What is wrong with people?? I run back and forth from Staten Island to Queens, having to make sure someone can watch Dylan, taking care of my mom, checking up on Heather, fielding phone calls from everyone....this is so hard in so many ways.

I'm leaving work now to go to the hospital to see her. I wrote her a letter of all things I've wanted to say to her, but never did.

Just need to take things one step at a time, day by day.

The results.

2011-04-29T22:30:00.001-04:00

My mom has Stage 4 pancreatic cancer. It also spread to her liver, spine, bones and other places in her body. She is in the hospital right now. I will update with more when I can.

All about a boy.

2011-04-28T11:15:00.000-04:00

As I mentioned yesterday, Dylan is now 6 months old! I cannot stress enough how quickly time has flown, it makes me a little sad to see how big he's getting, but I'm very excited to see all of his new milestones.

~He has two bottom front teeth, and is still in full on teething mode, so more are on the way!
~He loves his solids: sweet potatoes, carrots, peas, squash, applesauce, pears, peaches. He hates bananas! He also loves baby oatmeal, but hates rice cereal. He still drinks 6 ounces of formula, give or take, but less bottles throughout the day.
~He has a favorite toy, a plush monkey that plays music when you pull his tail. It was given to him by my neighbors beneath us. He gives the biggest smile and wiggles all over when he sees this darn thing! Gotta make sure I keep it in good condition!
~He loves to observe the world while in his car seat when I'm driving, he just quietly looks out the window. So cute.
~He is wearing size 3 diapers, and I just bought a pack of size 4's (!!!) because he is getting in that weight limit.
~He has become the biggest ham. He LOVES to take pictures, and will stop crying if I start taking pics, and will start crying if I stop. He gives the hugest smiles.
~He loves water mixed with a little baby white grape juice.
~He loves when I sing in the car to him (which is amazing considering I am tone deaf LOL), and I do an animal sounds game that he loves.
~I've been told by numerous people that he looks like a Gerber baby, and he looks like a doll, and I should put him in modeling. He may like that since he is in love with the camera!
~He loves Ni Hao Kai Lan and Backyardigans, but his favorite show is Yo Gabba Gabba.
~He can easily roll over, hold himself up while on tummy time, and can do the tripod while sitting up. He isn't fully sitting up on his own yet, but I think that's coming very soon. For a few months now, he looks like he's doing crunches because he tries very hard to sit up.

I have to tell you, I am so grateful I have him in my life. Sometimes I have the urge to just lie down on bed all day and just be to myself when I am feeling a little depressed, but that is not possible now because I have to take care of him, which is a good thing. He keeps me super busy and my mind occupied, and I am happy about that. I love him so much!

Landslide

2011-04-27T14:00:00.001-04:00

I'm not having a good day...I have been having anxiety about my mom since I left the house this morning. A strange thing happened also. The song "Landslide" by Stevie Nicks always reminded me of my mom, not because she liked it, but because the lyrics always made me think of her. I remember telling her this one time when I was younger. She asked why, and I told her I didn't know, it just did. This morning, the song popped in my head, and made me cry. It's been playing in my head all morning since then. When I went to the pizzeria during my lunch break to get a slice, "Landslide" was playing. I was with a co-worker, so I didn't react, but I wanted to break down crying. I haven't heard that song in YEARS, but to hear it today of all days, at that moment, it bugged me out...

Today is her PET scan. Friday we will get the results. She also needs a biopsy done on Friday at her mammogram place because they found two suspicious spots. Please pray for me to be strong for her on Friday.

Today Dylan is 6 months old. I will write a post about him and his milestones soon.

Easter Goodies and other good stuff

2011-04-21T21:20:00.011-04:00

For my 3rd and last post of the day (I promise!), I wanted to put up pics of Easter baskets I made for Dylan and two other special little girls in my life. I LOVE Easter and all it entails, and it is even more special for me this year. My mom always made us the BEST Easter baskets, so of course I need to carry on that tradition.

Also, some more pics of the babe.

It's gonna be alright.

2011-04-21T19:37:00.001-04:00

I don't like the negativity of my last post. It is not me.

Everything will be okay, we'll find a way to make it, we always do...

2011-04-21T16:24:00.001-04:00

So, to add more stress to my already stressful existence, J told me this morning that we may have to start looking into alternative options for taking care of Dylan because her mom is starting to get exhausted, and is talking about moving to Florida at some point. I'm sure none of this is happening any time soon, but I know I will be in a HUGE bind eventually. I always knew that it wasn't going to be permanent, but I always counted on my mom as my back-up plan, she told me she would have no problem watching the baby, so I knew I could take him there even though it would a long commute back & forth each day. Obviously that is out of the question now.

A good daycare around here will run me $300 a week or more. That will be almost my whole salary, save a few hundred.

I don't trust many people in this day & age with my baby, so finding some random person as a private babysitter scares the shit out of me.

We can't make it on J's income alone.

WTF do I do?

I've been brainstorming all morning, and I'm considering becoming a babysitter myself, or somehow finding a work-at-home job, but the legit ones seem few & far between.

Uggghhhhhh. FML.

2011-04-20T10:24:00.000-04:00

My mom went to the oncologist on Thursday for her consultation. She took bloodwork (which they found her liver enzymes to be elevated) and examined my mom for more bumps. There is one on her scalp that looks very much like the one they found on her hip. That is how we found out initially that she has cancer. She had a weird red bump on her hip the size of a marble. Her dermatologist took a biopsy, and found that it was a cancerous tumor that spread from a primary tumor believed to be in the gastrointestinal region. So, I am scared that it also spread to her head, I'm praying that's not the case. My mom is going through testing, she had a mammogram and endoscopy done, on Friday she will have a colonoscopy and next week she will get a PET scan. On the 29th, we will return to the oncologist to get all of the results. It is "hurry up and wait" time, basically.

My mom is having her good & bad days. I see her as much as I can, and help take care of her, clean her house, take her food shopping, give her rubs. That is all I can do for now. I keep going, going, going...never slowing down so I don't have to think about things. That is a huge flaw of mine, when things are REALLY bad, I just go into denial and try not to think about things, until I have no choice to and it breaks me down. But this is how I cope.

The baby has been sick for a few days, he seems to have a caught a slight stomach bug. Aside from that, he is doing great and will be 6 months old next Wednesday! I owe you guys some pictures of him, for sure.

I want to thank for from the bottom of my heart for all of your support. It makes me feel so much better to feel that I am not alone. Sometimes I feel that way, but I know deep down it's not true. And thank you to whoever submitted me to LFCA, thank you for thinking of me. You guys have been there for me for so much these last two years, and times like this make me so happy I have you guys. {{{hugs}}}

2011-04-11T13:16:00.001-04:00

On Thursday I am going with my mom to see the oncologist. My mom is not doing well, the reality is setting in as well as depression. She is not eating enough, and is spending more time in bed. The physical difference in my mom from a few weeks ago until now is astounding. Her gastro doctor told her he is going to run blood tests because he is worried about the yellowing of her eyes. Looking online, that is a major symptom of pancreatic cancer. She has a lot of back pain, not much appetite, and even her voice is lower.

I am so angry, sad, defeated, helpless. I am starting to distance myself from God, and that is the last thing I want to do. This is when I need Him the most, I know this...but I am so angry at the world. I don't know what to do for my mom, she is not really wanting to talk and she is withdrawing herself more and more each day. I don't know what to say to her, I am at a loss for words. She tells me that she doesn't really want to talk about it, so I don't. I've noticed that she is withdrawing from the baby as well, and I think because it hurts her so much to know she may not be around for him. Last time I saw her, she didn't spend as much time with the baby because she was so tired and wanted to lay down, but she held him for a short moment and whispered to him that she loves him. It broke my heart into a million pieces.

I have to be strong for my son, I know this and that is what keeps me going. But if I didn't have my baby, I would break down. I'm not strong enough to deal with this--but I have to be.

I know that this blog may become too depressing for some to handle, and I completely understand if you don't want to read anymore. This is not what I imagined my blog to become about. But I need to get these feelings out because I can't talk about it with many people, and it is too hard to talk about without breaking down. This is my only outlet right now.

2011-04-02T22:26:00.002-04:00

How do I deal with the thought of losing my mom?? We had a discussion today over something I thought I would never have to talk about, her life insurance, contact numbers for my disabled sister's case worker, the fact that she wants to be cremated. I didn't want to talk about it, but she insisted. I can't deal with this, I can't...but I have to... I am the oldest sister, her firstborn. It is my responsibility. I have spent the past 24 hours crying. Long time readers know of my fucked up family history, but my mom was the only good part of my family. I NEED her. What good is this life without her here????? Will she be around to enjoy the grandson that she wanted so much and prayed for?? I can't even look at my son without crying. I NEED HER HERE. We don't know the full prognosis, but the fact that it spread is beyond scary. How is this happening??? WHY???????

My world is turned upside down...

2011-04-01T15:00:00.001-04:00

My 50 year old mother just found out she has Metastatic Adenocarcinoma cancer. The DR is not sure what stage or where exactly it is located, but thinks it may be the colon or pancreas. She has to see the oncologist soon to find out. This can't be happening.....

5 months old :)

2011-03-30T09:56:00.011-04:00

Thank you to those who left me feedback on my last post, I needed that advice! I'm certain we will try again, and I would like to try next winter. I don't know if J will want to give it a go so soon, but I would love to! If we're going to do it, I feel the sooner the better. For one, we can get the sleepless nights and diapers out of the way in one shot. Secondly, I know it will get harder to get pregnant each year I wait. If we do get pregnant again, this time around I want the baby to be a surprise! I kind of regret finding out ahead of time with Dylan, so I will insist on not finding out the second time around. I am absolutely convinced the second will be a boy as well, and J keeps calling the next baby "our second son". If it will be a girl, that would be the biggest shock of my life. I would love either a boy or girl. But it would be nice for Dylan to have a little brother, there is so much estrogen in our family (extended as well), so it would be fun for Dylan to have a brother to play with. Plus I have an enormous amount of boy stuff. God I hope it happens again for us! I can't wait to experience it all over again! And I would love to give Dylan a little brother or sister! I even have names picked out: Gavin Quinn and Juliana Noelle.

Dylan turned 5 months old on Sunday. How is he almost half a year old already?! It's amazing how quickly time goes. He is doing really well, he is eating baby foods like applesauce and sweet potatoes. He loves them! This baby will have no appetite problems. Sunday, J and I went to Dallas BBQ to have lunch, and Dylan became fussy. I held him in my lap while eating, and he reached into my plate grabbing a chicken bone and a handful of cornbread! Of course I grabbed it before he could put it into his mouth, but we couldn't stop laughing. He was ready to munch out!

He is teething like crazy, and this month has been full of sleepless nights for all of us. We try so many things, but none really help. Tuesdays are J's day with the baby because she is off, and when I came home from work, I came home to an empty house because she was running errands with her mom. I loved the brief moment of solitude. I read some of the newest book from Jodi Picoult (a MUST read--it deals with infertility, gay marriage and rights, rights of frozen embryos), and I enjoyed the silence. It was the first moment in 5 months that I was home without the baby, except one time when I stayed home with a stomach virus and slept the whole day. It felt nice, but very weird and lonely. It was reminiscent of my life pre-Dylan, and I wouldn't want that world back for anything. But it's nice in spurts! When J and Dylan came home, I showered him with love and kisses, I really did miss him.

Another baby?!

2011-03-25T10:27:00.002-04:00

So I cannot stop thinking about having another baby. Even on the days when I am most exhausted and worn out. The problem is, we really can't afford another baby. Actually, we CAN, but J's mom said there is no way she will be able to watch another baby (completely understandable), so child care is the main dilemma. I know if I moved closer to my mom in Staten Island, she would watch the babies. But J doesn't want to move away further away from HER family (everyone lives in the same vicinity more or less). I know J wants another, she has said it many times. So I guess there is going to have to be some compromising going on.

Before Dylan was here, I said I was fine with having one baby, and I felt super lucky to have him on the way. I didn't really desire more than one baby at the time. It's funny because raising a baby is so much harder than I ever anticipated, but so much more wonderful than I ever anticipated. I now know how difficult it can be, but I would do it all over again in a heartbeat. I want to experience it again. I want Dylan to have a sibling. But I am also scared because I know how difficult rasing one baby is, but I have no idea how difficult it will be with two. I am scared for J and I have to have problems again in our relationship like we did the first two months the baby was here. Maybe we won't though? Maybe we will be more prepared what is in store? I am scared that since we were so lucky the first time around, we will not have it easy the second time.

If we do try again, I think it should be at least when Dylan turns two, if not sooner.

What do you guys think about having a second baby? I need advice....

The one thing I told J was we may always regret not having one more, but we will never regret having one more.

Baby Linus

2011-03-22T10:21:00.002-04:00

Like many of you, my prayers are with little Linus. I have been praying hard for him to pull through this, stronger than ever before. All of us are with Linus and his whole family today!

Getting my "happy" back.

2011-03-09T10:16:00.002-05:00

It's been a week and a half since I've started making healthy changes and I've lost 7.5 pounds so far. I'm actually finding all of this to be fun. I'm a goal-oriented person, and now that I've achieved my main ultimate goal which was to have our baby, it's time to focus on my next goal. My ultimate goal now is to get down to 125 by Christmas time. I AM going to get there. I have smaller goals that I want to achieve along the way so it seems a little less daunting. I have SO many clothes that do not fit me, it's unreal. From my current size (20) all the way down to size 4. Seriously, I could open up a small boutique with all of the clothes I have, many of which still have tags on them. My average size for a long time was a size 6, so I have most clothes in that size.

Dylan deserves to have a healthy mommy. He needs a mommy that can run after him, play with him at the park, roll around with him on the floor. He deserves a mommy that will play sports with him, go bike riding with him, etc. I will give that to him. I wanted him so much, and it's only right to give him the best possible life as I can! I want to be a good role model for him.

J deserves to have a healthy partner. She deserves someone who has the umph to keep up with her high energy Aries self. She met me at a size 8/10, and has loved me all the way up to where I am now, and I love her for it. But I want to get back to the sexy, confident girl she met almost 8 years ago. She was always a little jealous back then because of unwanted attention I used to get, and I may not want that attention from strangers, but I sure do want that attention from her! :wink:

And I deserve to be healthy. I used to love to go dancing, running, bike riding, etc. I used to love to go shopping, and look good in the clothes, not just throw anything on that will fit. I used to feel so confident and alive. I am seeing that side of me emerge, and I love it.

One thing that I am having fun with it is taking a brisk 45 minute walk during my lunch break. It is SO relaxing to take in some fresh air, play my music, and get my endorphins going. This the only time I can truly exercise, and I am taking advantage! I wouldn't have appreciated it pre-baby, but now it is a joy to be able to take that walk. Also, I dance with him in my arms almost every night to help him relax, it benefits both of us.

I want to encourage anyone who is starting to lose weight, or thinking about it. Start now. You will feel so much better, and a year from now you will be SO glad you started today. It's not easy, but it WILL get easier!

My switch was flipped; i.e. Time to get healthy...

2011-03-03T15:18:00.001-05:00

I decided that Monday was the day I would really dig deep and start my diet. I don't really like to say diet, because I know it has to be a "lifestyle change". So since then I've made some changes and I've already lost 4 pounds.

Changes:
~No more eating J's mom's cooking. On Monday, she offered me arroz con garbanzos (yellow rice with chick peas) and fried chuletas (pork chops). I turned it down. Her food is delish, and she cooks almost every day. Then she serves extremely huge portions. I told her I'm on a diet, no offense to her because I love her food, but I have to make a change.

~Bringing a healthy breakfast and lunch to work. Oatmeal, fruit, string cheese, pretzels, turkey sandwich, etc.

~Keeping a food journal. This is imperative to keep track and hold accountability for myself.

~I bought a Crock Pot. I found some healthy, low-fat recipes for it. The slow cooker is going to save my life since when I get home, Dylan keeps me on my toes until he falls asleep. Since I'm not an experienced cook, either, this is a double lifesaver. I made lowfat chicken chili the other day that was to die for, and it was so simple and easy. J said she was thinking about it all day and couldn't wait to eat it LOL.

~Walking more often. When the weather gets warmer, I am going to be walking all over the place with Dylan in his stroller. My friend and I already promised to meet up in the park for walks when we can. I started walking during my lunch break. Another plus is it gives me a dose of energy that I so desperately need. Walking is free, and I can't afford a gym, so this is the best option for me.

None of these are drastic or even difficult changes. But when you're not ready for them, they ARE difficult. The light switch needs to be flipped and you need to be ready for a change in order to make it happen. My switch was flipped, so here we go...I'm going to put my all into this.

I am excited. EXCITED! I can't wait to get healthy again.

My mother-in-law

2011-02-24T11:56:00.002-05:00

Remember my post a couple of months ago, I wrote about how I feared my MIL would not love Dylan as much as her bio grandchildren? I've eaten my words. I am so lucky that she watches our son while we are at work. She *adores* him. She kisses him constantly, gives him lots of love and attention. I know that since she is older, this situation may not last too long because it may become too much for her to handle physically, but for now I am grateful.

She said something to J the other day that brought J to tears, and me as well once she told me. Her mom said that it was almost as if Dylan was a forgotten child, a lost soul, waiting to be claimed and brought to life. He was waiting for us. She said he is a miracle. Now, she is an old school Puerto Rican woman in her late sixties. I didn't know how open she would be to us having a baby. But she spoils him and call him "my little boy". She tells me all of the time that Dylan looks just like her youngest son, who happens to be Dylan's Godfather. Then she tells J all of the time that she needs to adopt him soon so I can't take him away if we ever break up. I would never, ever, do that. But she never wants to lose Dylan in her life.

You don't know how happy I am that J's mom and whole family love Dylan so much. I know of many situations where that is not the case, and I feared the same in our situation. J's mom and I have bonded since I see her all of the time now. We've always liked each other, but it was little more formal. Now I see her as a second mohter. I am glad Dylan will have two grandmas who love him so much. I didn't have that, both of my grandmothers are very cold, distant people.

The love I have for Dylan is unexplainable. It is so strong, so fierce and all-consuming.

A whole year?!

2011-02-22T10:27:00.004-05:00

Yesterday was one year since this post...

Wow. How things can change in 365 days.

This was him yesterday with my sister who came to visit...

Yesss!

2011-02-18T15:58:00.000-05:00

I got a car! Nothing fancy, a 95 Geo Prizm, but it's in good condition. I bought it from the original owner, I found it on Craig's List. This is going to improve my quality of life immensely! So now, J will drop off the baby on the way to work at 11am, and I will pick up the baby straight from work at about 6pm and be able to go straight home instead of waiting hours for J to come get us. I haven't had a car since 2002, so this is so exciting to me! I can't WAIT to be able to pick up and go with Dylan whenever I want!

Fear

2011-02-15T15:55:00.000-05:00

I have never known true fear until now. I find myself being scared of something happening to Dylan all of the time. Anytime I hear or read of something else that has happened to another baby or child, I get a lump in my throat. I find myself repeating a mantra over & over in my head to God: "Please, please, please, please, please". Meaning, please keep my baby safe. I am more afraid now than I was when I was pregnant, and you guys know how often I was nervous.

Then, I feel like I will make something happen by thinking about it. I know, crazy talk. But I can't help it.

Am I alone in this?? Do any of you feel the same at times?

I'm still here!

2011-02-15T10:36:00.000-05:00

Happy belated Valentine's Day!!

I hope you all had a wonderful day! This holiday will forever remind me of Dylan because it was around this time that we conceived. In fact, on V-day last year, we drove to NYC to return the sperm bank tank! This year's day was considerably laid back, but J gave me the best gift ever: a Kindle! I am obsessed with it, I downloaded lots of books and can't wait to get more. Not that I really have time to read anymore, but it's great while on the bus/train to and from work. I feel all techy and stuff.

Dylan is 3 1/2 months old, and lots of new stuff going on!

~He is finding his voice and loves to baby talk
~He smiles all the time
~He giggled for the first time two days ago
~He LOVES to take baths, a true water baby
~He weighs 16 pounds
~He is about to get into size 3 diapers
~He wears 6-9 month clothes
~He is trying to sit up ALL of the time
~He is teething!!!

J and I have really found our groove and things are the best they've been in a long time at home. All three of us are getting into our routine, and enjoying life. Thinking back, when Dylan was first born, I used to wake up with a little knot in my stomach because I was so nervous about what the day would bring and how I would handle it. Now, even when we have rough days with fussiness, I am better equipped at knowing how to make him feel better. The days are going by so quickly, I feel as though I don't have time to sit and breathe. I just realized the other day that I never watch TV anymore except NY1 news in the morning to get the weather, and Jersey Shore on Thursdays (I know, quality TV at it's finest). My DVR is at the max amount of recordings, can't fit anymore. I used to watch TV for hours each day, now I don't even miss it. I'm thinking about just downgrading to basic cable at this point.

So, it's been pretty nice weather in NYC past couple of days, and it's going to get more mild this week. I feel like spring is right around the corner (wishful thinking on my part), and I can't wait to be able to not have to pack the baby up so much in layers and just get out for a walk in the neighborhood. I just bought a lightweight umbrella stroller, the Combi Flare which only weighs 11 pounds, so I can easily take him out when I'm home alone. My current travel system is the size of a minivan and weighs about the same so I needed a more manageable stroller.

I am already planning the baby's first birthday party even though it is 8 months away! I am a natural born party planner, and love this kind of stuff! I plan to do it up, rent a hall, have fun decorations, cute favors and custom invitations. I need to save up for it, but after all of the stress we've been through this past year I feel we deserve to have a nice party and celebrate! My best friend had her baby two days after Dylan was born, so we had to plan out the days of the parties, she will do saturday and I will do sunday. I love having someone close in my life to share in all of the fun. I reconnected with my former best friend from my high school and party days, she had her baby the day before me! So I'm happy to have friends to have play dates with and stuff like that.

Okay, I've rambled enough, and it's time to get back to work.

3 Months Old!

2011-01-30T23:49:00.007-05:00

I need start cooking!

2011-01-18T14:09:00.000-05:00

Since the start of the new year, getting in shape has been on my mind. I have improved my eating habits, and have become more active, and have lost a few pounds. Not as much as I would like. I think the one thing holding me back the most is eating dinner really late, and going to bed right after. By the time we get home (usually 8-9pm), get Dylan settled, accomplish our chores, and do the million and one things that need to be done...dinner is our last priority. Plus, we either make something really easy like pasta, or get takeout.

I really need to find quick & easy recipes that do not require a lot of ingredients or preparation. I am not a seasoned cook, so they need to be pretty simple. I'm not a bad cook, but I only have a few standbys. I'm always a little intimidated to try new recipes. But I know that my weight loss isn't going to be all that it can be unless I make some changes!

My exercise consists of walking right now, but I am going to try to add in some light weight lifting with free weights at home, and maybe dance around holding Dylan for 15 minutes or so for a boost of activity.

I thought my weight would melt off since I'm always on the go. This is going to take some serious commitment on my part, apparently! If you have any tips on what helps you, I would love them!

Things I wish I knew

2011-01-13T15:10:00.001-05:00

To echo a few blog posts I've seen recently.

Things I wish I knew when I was pregnant and post-partum:

1. I will 100% love my baby.
I had a meltdown during the first trimester because I became convinced that I would be a terrible mother, and that I wouldn't love my baby. I didn't want to even look at baby things, and J began to get scared. In retrospect, I know it came from the crazy hormones swirling around in combination with the extreme exhaustion and morning sickness I was experiencing.

2. Enjoy the 2nd Trimester as much as possible.
What "they" say is true, the 2nd Trimester is definitely the Honeymoon stage. Morning sickness was gone, I had more energy than ever, no swelling like the 3rd Trimester. I really didn't take the time to enjoy the Honeymoon stage while it lasted!

3. Take more pictures.
I think I took three belly pictures while pregnant. I always meant to take more, but just never did. I regret it so much!

4. Do. Not. Buy. Baby. Clothes.
Not that I bought tons of clothes, but I received SO many clothes from both baby showers I had, and Dylan didn't get to wear everything before he grew out of them. So many 0-3 outfits were given, and Dylan couldn't even fit some of them at birth!

5. If I do buy clothes, buy PJ's!
I received lots of cutsie outfits that are great for taking pictures or visiting family, but not for hanging around the house. Dylan has been in sleepers and PJ's 99% of the time since being home, and we can never have too many of them plus short-sleeve onesies for underneath. I only dress Dylan in real clothes once in a while when going out.

6. Buy plenty of bottles.
I went crazy sterilizing bottles frequently at first because I only had a few bottles. I stocked up, and now have 18 bottles so I can almost always have clean ones on hand and ready to go.

7. Have plenty of granny panties and lounge clothes for myself.
Since I barely left the house for a month, and bled for almost that amount of time, I wish I had more granny panties and PJ's for myself so I wouldn't have to worry about doing laundry so much. I couldn't even wear jeans for a month because they hurt too much!

8. Sleep when the baby sleeps.
In the very beginning, the baby used to sleep during the day for 3 hours at a time. I took that time to clean and do chores, thinking he would always have that pattern. I never took a nap, except for one time. Boy did I regret that when Dylan stopped taking day time naps. I wished I took advantage while I could, and just let the chores be for a little bit.

9. Let people help.
People offered to help me out with the baby, and I didn't take them up on the offer when I needed it the most. I didn't want to be a burden, but now I wish I would've let people help me. I could've saved myself a few tears and stressful times.

10. Don't fight with the one you love.
J and I barely made it out of the first few weeks alive. We fought more in that time than we have in almost 8 years together. It only made things that much harder for us, and exasperated the situation. I wish we could have learned to deal with the stress in another way.

11. It is harder and more wonderful than you ever thought possible.
I've never heard a more true statement than that.

Getting the hang of things

2011-01-13T09:50:00.000-05:00

Thanks for the feedback on my last post. Since then, I've had a talk with J's mom, and aired out my concerns. She told me that as long as she feels good and is up to it, she doesn't mind watching the baby. I told her that I'm working on another solution, and that this should be temporary, and she said I could do whatever I feel is best, but she will watch the baby as long as she is able to. She hasn't complained since the last time, and she's been in a much better mood. I'm going to take it day by day, and give her the benefit of the doubt. She was having a bad week with other family matters, and it was the first week with the baby, so maybe she was just overwhelmed. We'll see, time will tell.

In other news, I don't want to count my chickens but Dylan has been sleeping so much better through the night. For the past few weeks he has been sleeping for 6 hours straight, usually. I don't know for sure that it will stay this way, and I'm sure it will get worse once he's teething, but I'm enjoying it while it lasts! Last night, he slept from 10:30 pm until 6 am! It's coincided with me going back to work, so thank God I am able to get some rest each night.

He had a vaccine done on Sunday (I am going every two weeks because I have been spreading them out), and he weighed 14 pounds, 6 ounces and is 24 inches long. My big boy!

He has been smiling a lot and increasing his baby talk, it is the cutest thing ever! He loves his precious planet crib mobile too. I am usually able to lay him in his crib for a few minutes while I turn on the mobile. I am trying to get him used to his crib because that is where he is going once he outgrows his bassinette, which should be in a couple of months or so. Our rooms are attached, so I am not too worried about transitioning him to his room.

Tides are changing in our home, we have been getting used to our routine with me going back to work, and we have been getting along a lot better since we are not as sleep deprived as before. We are getting the hang of life with our son, the things he likes and doesn't. It's still not easy, per se, but it's getting there. I love seeing his little personality emerge, and we just smother him with hugs & kisses each day! J's mom kisses him all up too, she says he's so kissable. It's those chubby cheeks! He'll never have a lack of affection, that's for sure!

What to do, what to do....

2011-01-07T09:28:00.008-05:00

It's been a rough week. I returned to work on Monday, and it has me emotionally wrought for a few reasons. Obviously, first and foremost, I miss him. I feel guilty for not being able to stay home and care for him. When I was pregnant, I knew it would be rough, but I couldn't imagine how truly difficult it would be.

In addition, his childcare is in limbo right now. As I wrote months ago, J's mother had agreed to babysit Dylan. It would be for 4 days a week, because J is off on Tuesdays. I get up early, walk 15 to 20 minutes to the bus, and then transfer to a train. J takes the car and drops Dylan off at her mom's, and leaves the car there. She takes the bus to work. As soon as I get out, I walk 20 minutes to the bus, have a 45 minute ride, then transfer to a train, and then walk to her mom's house. Pick up the baby, then hop in the car and pick J up from work. So the baby is with her from 11-6. It's obviously hectic, but that's not the hard part. For months, J's mom keeps dropping hints about how tired she is. I understand that completely because (A) she is 67 years old and (B) she babysits her great grandaughter who is 3 years old. So many times I have told her to please let me know if she thinks it will be too much for her. She kept saying it was fine.

The night before when I picked up Dylan, she was very short with me and seemed to have an attitude. She looked exhausted and I understood why. Last night was the breaking point for me. She spent an hour telling me how she has no life, she feels like she is going to die in a couple of years, everyone keeps telling her that she is crazy for babysitting, she is depressed. Again, I understand that it's not easy, but had she told me this MONTHS ago, I would have already had another option lined up! Decent daycare is about 300 to 400 a week, which is completely out of the question for us, we just can't afford it. So now I am working on getting another car so I can take the baby all the way to Staten Island to my mom's house, which is about an hour and a half to two hour drive in rush hour traffic. But at least I will know that she is dying to watch the baby, and it makes me feel better. I know that J's mom will take good care of Dylan now until we find another option, but it is stressing me out. I race to pick the baby up, I have a knot in my stomach because I don't know what kind of attitude she will have. She is not doing this for free, I am paying her by the way. She is already babysitting, so it's not like it's a huge lifestyle change for her. But it makes me feel like she doesn't really care about the baby, maybe because he is not biologically related to her.

All she had to tell me is she can't handle it. But the attitudes and venting at me only makes me feel horrible, and makes me resent her considering that J helps pay her rent and pretty much ALL of her bills. Plus when J wasn't working, I was the one doing it. And J always drops everything to help her with whatever she needs. So she could at least just be honest with me and leave it at that, not make me feel bad every day. And this is just the FIRST week. Now, my relationship with J is starting to suffer even more, because sometimes she jumps to her mother's defense when she should be jumping to mine. But no matter what, unless there is a drastic change in her behavior, I have to find another option for Dylan.

All of this sucks. Leaving him is hard enough, without the added pressure and stress. I wish I could have it like that to stay home with my son...

Happy New Year!!

2011-01-04T15:58:00.001-05:00

I started this post three times, and can't seem to express my feelings the right way. So I will just say this: 2010 was the best year of my life. From the moment I received the positive pregnancy test, to the moment I saw the first ultrasound and the little heartbeat flickering away, to the moment I felt the first kick, to the moment I met our son. Words cannot express how grateful I am to have experienced the joy that I have. We had stressful times this past year, no doubt, but those times pale in comparison to the wonderful ones.

My resolution for 2011 is to live in the moment, and enjoy watching Dylan grow and change every day.

(And work on losing those baby(and pre-baby)pounds!)

Finally caught one!

2010-12-28T21:07:00.003-05:00

Finally caught a big smile for Mommy on camera!

Photos

2010-12-22T21:42:00.005-05:00

Thank you for letting me vent in my last post, and giving me support!

Here's some pics we had done recently of our little angel:

Just Sayin'

2010-12-20T18:30:00.003-05:00

This is stemming from some judgement I've encountered due to not breastfeeding from a couple of people I've talked with recently in real life.

No, I'm not breastfeeding. Not by choice, it didn't work out for me. Does that make me any LESS of a mother?

Am I perfect? Not by any means. But this kid is going to have more love than he will know what to do with. He is going to be cared for, protected, adored, nurtured and most probably spoiled.

I give SO much credit to those who have breastfed, and I wish I could have done the same. I've shed tears over it. But now I am letting the guilt go, and refusing to let anyone else make me feel less than. I am a good mother, a GREAT one, and I know it. So to those people who have tried to make me feel inferior? Shove it.

Just sayin'.

Getting in the holiday spirit!

2010-12-14T21:09:00.002-05:00

6 is the Magic Number

2010-12-10T15:22:00.005-05:00

Dylan is 6 weeks old, and I swear he is a completely different baby this week. Smiles are coming out, as well as some baby talk. Suddenly he enjoys staying in his bouncer or swing for more than 3 minutes at a time. Toys are starting to interest him. He has been obsessed with staring at my wall art, curtains and light fixtures for weeks, but now he stares intensely at J and I as well. I am able to calm him pretty quickly now when he has a fussy moment. Of course, it's not always easy, but it is so much easier than before. I am seeing his personality begin to emerge, and he reminds me so much of myself!

The first real, true, BIG smile he gave me melted my heart away. I actually teared up. I will never forget that moment.

Getting ready for Christmas!

2010-12-07T22:13:00.004-05:00

(My attempt at a Christmas photoshoot LOL)

Dylan's Favorite Things:

2010-12-05T15:20:00.009-05:00

Thank you for the hat, Loralou! It is precious!

1. Getting rocked by his Mommies on the glider with a pillow under his booty.
2. His Precious Planet bouncer with the snow globe.
3. Warm baths with lavendar body wash and massages with lavendar lotion.
4. Christmas music playing softly while getting rocked to sleep.
5. Salsa music blasting while Mommy dances with him in her arms also puts him to sleep! Great exercise for Mommy too!

1 Month Old

2010-12-01T15:19:00.005-05:00

So, Dylan is a little over a month old. He's doing great, he just had his 1 month vaccine yesterday, and he now weighs 11 pounds & gained 2 inches since birth! He has been fussy since yesterday from the shot, poor thing.

Here's where I am at one month later:

Physically, I feel SO much better. My back rarely hurts these days, the stitches are healing well and I have more energy.

Emotionally, things have begun to turn around, especially after the 3rd week. I find that I am not as stressed or emotional, and it feels like a fog has been lifted. I am not going to lie, the first three weeks after Dylan's arrival were HARD. The hardest time of my life, while still being the most beautiful time. I knew I was in store for a little bit of rough times, but I truly had no idea how tough the first few weeks could really be. My relationship suffered a little bit as well. Ok, that is an understatement...I thought for sure we would end up splitting up because we fought so much.

But the tides have changed, and it's getting so much easier as each day passes. I came to the conclusion that J and I have to alternate the night shifts, so at least one of us will get a good night's sleep every other night. That has helped out a lot! I can deal with a rough night knowing that I could get some much needed rest the next night. We are starting to feel like our normal selves, and back to being loving & affectionate towards one another.

I loved my baby from the moment he was conceived, let alone born. But this past week I have realized that I've fallen IN love with my baby. My love has grown multitudes, and I am realizing that I need to cherish each moment now, even the hard ones, because time is already flying SO fast, and in a month I will be back at work & missing him tremendously (and writing blog posts about how much I miss him LOL). He will only be an infant once!

Quite a few of you commented on one of my posts that things will get better, and you were right.

Lastly, I didn't think I would get this urge so quickly, but I am already looking forward to TTC once more. I knew I wanted to try for one more child, but I figured that we would in a few years. Ummm, I don't know what's going on, but I am already thinking about it each day! J looks at me like I'm crazy when I bring it up, so I guess we will have to wait a year or more, but it's definitely on my mind.

Pumping Suggestions?

2010-11-28T18:52:00.002-05:00

My milk came in at about 5 or 6 days after delivering Dylan, and by then he was so used to the formula that he wouldn't latch on no matter what I did. At the time, I didn't have a breast pump to help me out. At this point, I've gotten a pump, but my milk supply seems to be gone. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to relactate, and/or some supplements to try to help me? Is it even possible to get my supply back at this point, or is it too late?

A beautiful day

2010-11-26T22:13:00.022-05:00

Well, we had a great Thanksgiving! We went to my mom's first, then went to J's mom's afterward. Dylan pretty much slept through the entire time!

Chillin' with his Mama...

J loved his outfit LOL...

Relaxing with Mommy!

With Mommy & Aunt Jenn (my sister)...

Comfy on Aunt Jenn...

With his Grandma Sharon (my mom)...

With his Grandma Emma (J's mom)...

With his cousin Brenda (J's niece)...

With his Titi Maggie (J's sister)...

With his Grandma Emma...

Dylan with his Mama...

He's pooped! A great but long Thanksgiving for Dylan...

Happy Thanksgiving!

2010-11-24T17:54:00.006-05:00

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Just a few quick pics while I get the chance :)

Have a wonderful and safe holiday!

Tough week.

2010-11-19T13:43:00.004-05:00

I love my son. Oh, how I love my little man.

But this week has been rough.

J has been working later than usual, and coming home at about 8 or 9 pm. By then I am spent, but so is she from working all day. Thank God she helps me with the night shift. But we have been fighting much more because of the sleep deprivation. We have talked it out and resolved to try not to let the stress get to us. Dylan is going through a fussy stage, crying more and sleeping less. Sometimes I feel like I can't please him, he cries...I hold him, rock him, sing to him, feed him, change him...and he still cries. Right now he is napping, but I don't think it will be for much longer.

We gave him his first real bath on Sunday, and took him out to the mall so we could get out of the house. That was a lifesaver for me. I have been so couped up in the house, and I needed the fresh air! I am looking forward to next week since it will be Thanksgiving, so we will get to see the families and socialize.

I have much to be thankful for, and I am so excited to spend our first Thanksgiving with our son together. I just need to be honest on my blog, write about all of our moments, good and bad. It will get better, right? :)

Oh, one more thing, Dylan has red hair! It's not totally out of left field since my mom does, and so does the father of the donor we chose, but it was still such a surprise! I hope it stays that way, with his brown eyes and red hair, he looks so cute!

Damnnn...

2010-11-12T14:24:00.003-05:00

By the end of my pregnancy, I had gained about 35 pounds. Most of it was in the last few weeks, believe it or not. My OB kept scolding me at each visit, but I insisted that my eating habits had not changed, if anything I was eating less because I was so uncomfortable.

Well, now that I am a little over 2 weeks postpartum, I weigh 5 pounds less than I did before I got pregnant. So all of that weight I had gained was water weight which contributed to my extreme swelling. I fit into my old clothes, as well.

I am so happy that the weight came off, and I can't wait to lose even more in the next coming months!

Some nursery pics :)

2010-11-09T20:27:00.006-05:00

We only finished his little room right before I gave birth, so I haven't been able to share some pics until now! His room is really little, but it is so cute! He sleeps in our room in a bassinette, and will probably sleep in our room until he is a year old, but I like having his room all set up.